The Woodpeckers, it must be said, are grotesquely spoiled. Between glorious grounds, gentlemanly teammates, life-affirming pints and pub gardens that shimmer in the June haze, one could be forgiven for assuming we’ve been trapped inside a Richard Curtis screenplay. And if Dunsfold isn’t the cinematic cricketing utopia, then frankly, the projector’s broken.

Our story begins with Tilford’s Hankley Gold at the Sun Inn, under a blue sky, a brisk 7-iron from the ground. Here, crusty veterans and bright-eyed newcomers mingled in gentle pre-match chaos. Fingers, playing for the second week after his exceptional showing at Hogs, high on confidence, the most positive outlook and frankly actual cricket skills, was raring to go with the delightful Thumbelina (Fingers’ girlfriend) on debut to support. Also on debut: Crabs/Crabbies, from the line of Trash, positioned as a terrific bloke, average cricketer : canny marketing from Trash. Crabs would only deliver upside from this initial positioning.

Enter stage left: Chef, our resident antipodean wildcard, who met Fingers with the chilling phrase, “Let me smell ’em,” and an aura that suggested both deep cricketing wisdom and mild parole conditions. Nicknamed, with minimal political correctness, Cheffrey Epstein, the man exudes both danger and a love of Borat, always 2 seconds from an apology (on this occasion to Thumbelina)

some enjoyed the Sun’s legendary Roast Beef Sandwich with Roasties

So after the pre-match preparations, the casual amble across to Dunsfold cricket ground, we found we would be batting first on a pitch that looked like a sandpapered trampoline. Pirate and Kamikaze strolled out with all the confidence of men unaware of how often they'd be hit in the chest. Pirate, eschewing a helmet in the most Yorkshire of ways, played like Brian Close with a death wish and a top hand made of oak. Balls leapt like salmon, then skittered like pucks. He was eventually run out for 24, declaring that singles were “no way for a man to live” and pointing out a bruise “on his tits.” Kamikaze matched his partner with a fast and stylish 24, smashing half-volleys before falling to one that rolled under his bat with the enthusiasm of a limbo stick. Crabs debuted with poise and a technique that utterly betrayed his humble billing, only to edge behind for 4.

Kwakka and Fingers now at the wicket, Fingers was able to pick up exactly where he left off, dispatching bad balls and even worse balls for 4s and 6s. Kwakka was back in the shed after 14, owed to another one that shot along the ground. A minor middle-order collapse of regular top performers, Trash and Beetle, for 6 and 10 respectively, meant Cat needed to steady the ship while Fingers did his thing.

Do his thing, he most certainly did, racing to 50 quickly and incurring a mandatory retirement, leaving Pobs and Cat at the wicket together and the odds of a run-out decreasing from 80-1 to 4-6.

Despite the heightened risk, Cat worked the ball around for 9 before being bowled, bringing Motty to the crease to delight the crowds with a fast 14, including a 6 into the road with the on-drive. Pobs, caught and bowled, left Chef at the wicket to welcome back Fingers after his declaration. 180 felt like a decent score. A few more blows from Fingers before a looped catch to the WK from Chef on 2, and that was the Peckers’ innings : all out for 183.

Dunsfold’s faithful support team provided sandwiches of impeccable structure, brownies of structural integrity, and fruitcake so potent it may have technically been a performance enhancer. Motty, never a man to overlook a pairing, had brought a chilled Pinot Noir. Two more jugs of Tilford Hankley Gold fetched by Beetle and Fingers were accompanied by five packs of scampi fries — It was almost as if he could sense the theme of the report and wanted to cement his nickname…or maybe he just loves Scampi

Fingers and Thumb…-elina, and said Scampi Fries

Time for the Woodpeckers to field. Opening up, Beetle and Motty were looking to extract the same inconsistency of bounce with brisk pace and a consistent length.Motty cleaned up opener St Aubyn. Beetle induced a catch to Pobs, who took it as if haunted by the ghost of missed catches past (redemption for Porto) and another grab later. Motty would finish with 2-22 (you must say it in that voice), and Beetle, incentivised by the classic “one more if you get a wicket” clause, clawed his way to 2-45.

Fielding traditionally a suggestion, not a requirement ,was elevated by Fingers’ infectious energy behind the stumps and Crabs’ magnetism. The ball found him like he owed it money. Catches were held (!), dives were attempted (!!), and Chef... well, Chef dropped one, and two sharper chances. But with comic timing.

That said, the match moved into an interesting phase. Despite the brisk fall of wickets, Dunsfold were not just keeping up with the run rate , they were ahead of it. Four wickets down after 9 overs on 63, Chef and Cat failed to get a breakthrough and Dunsfold found themselves at 103 for 4 after 17 overs thanks to a middle-order partnership from Watkins and Richardson. This meant 80 runs from 18 overs with six wickets in hand.

(Pob’s paragraph) At this point just before drinks I was worried -a fair amount of Beer(and Pinot) had been drunk and Dunsfold were well ahead of the rate. At the Lord’s pre season net, Kwakka having previously been a spinner had revealed some tidy medium pace, and sure enough he got that all-important breakthrough, another great juggled stumping from Fingers standing up.

From Back L-R Beetle, Kami, Crabs, Traash, Pob, Cat, Chef, Thumbelina, Fingers, Kwakka, Otto, Pirrate

Another bowling change from the top end saw Trash inevitably take another wicket and momentum shift back to the Peckers. Once Watkins was bowled with a stinker from Kwakka, Dunsfold’s chase looked over. Two more quick wickets from Trash and Kwakka, and it left just one wicket remaining.

Pob- stinker??? Kwakka bowled an absolutely impeccable spell , can’t remember a bad ball and ended with 4 overs , 3 maidens, 3 wickets for ONE RUN!!

Middle Stump! A bonnet-ted Beetle can only admire

Drinks always gets a wicket , just before the break in the 17th over, an average ball from Kwakka and some smart glove work from Fingers stumped Richardson, and Dunsfold were 5 down.. Enter Pirate, with his unique lunar-tuned spin, and a fine catch from Motty in the deep. Dunsfold were all out for 121. Three Wins in a row for the Peckers!

Back to The Sun Inn for a few more Hankley Golds, salty snacks and speeches. The sun was setting as Pobs provided some kind words on 20 years of playing at Dunsfold, bringing things up to date with a finely justified Man of the Match award for Fingers, applause for Thumbelina (who really hadn’t expected to be so involved), and a special mention for Crabs’ perfect debut.Chef, of course, retained the Jester’s Hat, which now feels like part of his tax status.

This isn’t just a team. It’s a movement. If Manchester United had the Class of ’92, the Woodpeckers have 2025, a golden generation of good blokes, strong drinks, bad knees, and great Sundays.

Long may it continue.