Barnes CC v Woodpeckers CC – Match Report

The Woodpeckers assembled on a glorious 25-degree afternoon in South West London buoyed by the prospect of fielding a relatively youthful XI. The youthful look also appeared to attract a sizeable contingent of WAGs, adding an extra layer of pressure for those hoping to impress. As many will know, it is Henner’s London club and he also joined us, but thankfully only as a spectator rather than turning out for the string BCCC side.

POB agreed to bat first as Barnes only had 8 players at the arranged start time. After said agreement several Barnes Common stars arrived fresh from played for Richmond on Saturday, and the usual strong team assembled against us.
Spinach (7-0-38-2) and Chuck ‘No Luck’ Berry (7-0-39-0) took the new ball. Unfortunately, the fluorescent pink ball offered little assistance beyond being easier to locate in the surrounding vegetation. Any movement would have to come from the pitch, which had enough demons to reward anyone hitting the right length. Sadly, very few deliveries qualified. Chuckie bowled some beauties but Private went AWOL from gully at the crucial time.

After ten overs, Snax and Bison were introduced. Barnes' aggressive approach meant Snax's spell was short-lived (2-0-17-0), much to his disappointment. To compound matters, later in the innings he dramatically collapsed in the outfield, immediately declaring he'd "done his patella again". Fortunately, after some post-match "medication", medical science recorded a miraculous recovery.

Bison, described in the scorebook as "tall, dark and stocky", plugged away manfully but couldn't find the breakthrough. That honour fell to fellow Barclays veteran Chefrey, whose arrival was anything but understated. His first three deliveries disappeared for 14 runs, prompting fears of another expensive afternoon. However, Chef simply reverted to the oldest trick in the spinner's handbook: one floated invitingly through the air, tempting the batsman into one heave too many before crashing into middle stump. Experience, as ever, triumphed over enthusiasm.

Some interesting descriptions of our Bowling attack

Despite finally making inroads, the fielding began to unravel. The afternoon's standout quote belonged to Chef, whose patience with Private Day's fielding had finally expired:

"What's below the rank of Private?"

The answer, apparently, is Cadet.

A further misfield later in the innings saw him promptly demoted again to Recruit. It should be said in his defence that he was due to swim the English Channel as part of a relay team the following morning, and we're grateful he chose to chase a cricket ball across an arid outfield over sensible preparation.

Jonty "Bakayo" Hall entered as second change and, despite standing somewhere around 6'5", elected to bowl gentle tweakers rather than thunderbolts. Initially it worked brilliantly. His first three overs cost just 12 runs and suddenly Barnes' run rate had been brought under control, leaving them 169-3 after 24 overs.

With a growing harem of supporters arriving specifically to watch Jonty, cricket's cruel sense of humour intervened. His fourth over disappeared for 26 runs. To make matters worse, the final ball should have produced a straightforward catch at deep mid-on. Unfortunately Dog, who by this stage had spent considerably more time retrieving balls from the undergrowth than actually fielding, was deep inside the bushes marking his territory. The ball joined him instead.

Jonty fires another one down before being hit over his head

Thankfully Jonty had the last laugh, picking up a thoroughly deserved wicket in his final over to finish with respectable figures of 7-0-51-1.

Barnes eventually closed on 259-7 from their 35 overs. It felt above par but certainly not beyond reach, provided the top order could survive the variable bounce and make full use of the lightning-fast outfield.

Tea

Tea required a short pilgrimage across the railway tracks to the local community hub. Expectations were low and somehow still not quite met.

The banana bread with chocolate chips was excellent, while Snax's own contribution of pork pie accompanied by industrial quantities of English mustard comfortably stole the show. Everything else was... satisfactory.

The Chase

Fresh from his battlefield demotion, Recruit Day set about earning his promotion back through the ranks in spectacular fashion.

He launched a breathtaking assault on the opening bowlers, blasting 37 from just 14 balls with little regard for reputation or personal safety before eventually being bowled by the dangerous Wali. Promotion back to Private was immediately approved.

Bison provided sensible support with a patient 14 from 22 deliveries while Gav attempted to negotiate the increasingly spiteful pitch. The Peckers pursuit was also helped by Mama’s umpiring, as his finger remained resolutely attached to his pocket during a highly plausible LBW appeal.

Sadly, the reprieve proved temporary. Gav could only spoon a simple catch to short cover for one, Bison holed out to cow corner, and Dog contributed a six-ball duck after his eventful afternoon in the shrubbery.

At that point Mama and Jonty "Bakayo" Hall arrived at the crease. Roared on by his ever-growing fan club, Jonty looked increasingly comfortable despite one delivery threatening his future family plans. After a brief pause to acquire a box, and perhaps reconsider life choices, he compiled an excellent 57, comfortably top-scoring.

Mama, having been dropped on eight to the vocal frustration of the unfortunate fielder, batted beautifully for 23 and looked destined for much more before eventually departing.

Mama, bison, bisons’s GF on debut and spinach

Bison keeping his lady topped up as Mama and Spinach look on

Once the top six had gone, however, the innings fizzled out. Barnes' less threatening bowlers were unable to inspire the required acceleration as the asking rate climbed beyond reach. POB once again displayed his trademark determination to protect his batting average, but the end came when Chuck Berry was run out by a direct hit trying to keep the skipper company.

The Woodpeckers were eventually dismissed for 167 in 30 overs, falling 92 runs short.

Verdict

A difficult afternoon with the ball was compounded by too many lapses in the field and an inability to build meaningful partnerships during the chase. There were plenty of positives, Private Day's blistering cameo, Jonty's excellent fifty, Chef's crafty wicket and Mama's composed innings, but Barnes' total always looked just beyond us.

Special mention goes to Day, who somehow followed all of this by swimming the English Channel the very next day as part of a relay team. A feat significantly more impressive than anything witnessed on the cricket field.