The Woodpeckers vs Kew – Match Report

Sunday, 16 August 2026

The first significant cricket match to be recorded at Kew Green took place on Thursday, 14 July 1737, when a side led by Frederick, Prince of Wales, faced a team captained by Charles Spencer, the 3rd Duke of Marlborough. The Prince’s XI emerged victorious, securing their place in the long and prestigious history of cricket on this famous patch of West London turf.

Fast forward 289 years, and on Sunday, 16 August 2026, eleven slightly less aristocratic gentlemen descended upon the same hallowed ground for the Woodpeckers’ sixth appearance at Kew, including an epic tie two years ago, hoping to peck out a small chapter of their own in the history of Kew Cricket Club.

The Woodpeckers had arrived.

There was plenty of eagerness among the flock, with feathers suitably ruffled well before the first ball was bowled. Magic Carpet had kindly informed a few of the lads of The Dog’s antics from the previous evening, which naturally led to a few jokes being made throughout the morning. Unfortunately, the details are probably best left out of the match report, although they may be discussed over a beer at a later date.

The setting, however, was anything but a joke. Kew Green is one of the great traditional cricketing venues, with almost three centuries of cricketing history beneath the feet of those taking guard. It was therefore a considerable privilege for the Woodpeckers to take to the field, although whether the pitch was quite as excited to receive us remains open to interpretation. It was so dry that the stumps appeared to have been inserted more as a matter of tradition than structural necessity.

The Bowling

POBSY won the toss and, with the barman still nowhere to be seen, decided that the only sensible option was to take the field first. GK Smeagol and Tiddles opened the bowling for the Peckers, showing plenty of passion and intent from the outset. A few good overs passed and Kew had moved to 69–1, but Smeagol was bowling beautifully and a wicket felt inevitable. Eventually, the batsman clipped a full toss towards square leg and was given out. However, after a lengthy complaint from the batsman, the umpire remarkably decided to reverse his decision and declare it a no ball, much to Smeagol’s frustration

Tiddles then sprung into life and removed the dangerous opener, providing the breakthrough the Woodpeckers needed. It was time to visit the island, and Chefery was waiting. He duly removed their other opener and then produced another two maidens from an eight-over spell. By the end of it, he had turned the scorebook into something resembling a Braille dictionary. Cheap joke...

Magic Carpet was then brought on for a chuck, despite arriving in footwear that looked considerably less suited to cricket than it did to escaping a nightclub. What followed was frankly ridiculous: three overs, six runs and three wickets. Pretty antisocial cricket, if you ask us.

He was replaced by he debut of Stewie Samosa, who matched the Carpet to leave a gaping hole where the Kew Middle-Order had stood. Stewie gently and politely removed a bail each time with some rip-snorting turners, with the opposition openly commenting on his prodigious ability to rag the ball. A brilliant debut and a very welcome addition to the flock. Four overs, three maidens, three wickets and just two runs. Magnificent.

At this stage, Kew were beginning to look like they might struggle to reach three figures, so naturally the Woodpeckers decided to show some charity and introduced a few of the part-time bowlers to give the opposition a helping hand. Eventually, POBSY decided enough was enough, secured a second catch and cleared up the remaining resistance. A cracking performance from the lads, with strong bowling, some good fielding and plenty of crack throughout.

Tea and biscuits

Tea was a decent spread, with a mixed selection of sandwiches and a lovely view across Kew Green. The beers were plentiful, the white wine was cold and Chefery was busy educating Dog on the delights of the Caribbean.

We must also take a moment to recognise the Blackberry and Apple cake made by Smeagol’s mother, which was a genuine highlight of the afternoon and considerably more reliable than some of the Woodpeckers’ batting. A picture was taken of the merry bunch enjoying the fruits of the cake and their labour before attention turned to the slightly less appealing prospect of actually chasing the runs.

The batting

The Cat and Muttley went out to lead the charge. Cat had come straight from enjoying a family BBQ but we all still had faith that a slight hangover would not knock his performance. Both batsmen started well, with Muttley (10) keeping some decent bowling at bay while Cat (17)began putting a few balls to the boundary. Sadly, both were back in the pavilion before Chef and Dog came to the crease, seemingly more interested in saying hello than actually hanging around. They came, they saw, they went. The Woodpeckers suddenly needed some stability.

Enter Samosa and Kwakka the old Uni friends reunited. Kwakka lurjed for a while but fell to the wily Sheppard and the Peckers 50-5. Magic Carpet arrived at the crease and proceeded to smash 20 runs from just eight balls. Meanwhile at the other end there was a hugely valuable innings from Samosa. Patient when required and increasingly aggressive towards the end, Then Kami arrived. Six balls later, he had scored 23 runs. The Kew fielders were suddenly getting a good look at the road as balls disappeared over the boundary. Samosa became a 3rd wicket for Captain Soren for 25, and GK Smeagol didn’t trouble the scorers leaving the Peckers eight down and still needing 20. POBSY then joined him and calmly contributed a valuable seven runs to bring the Woodpeckers home and secure the win.

Kami eventually finished with a magnificent 42. A truly match-saving innings that turned a potentially nervy chase back into a winning position.

The Peckers had done it.

To Conclude

Another victory at Kew, and another chapter added to the increasingly distinguished, occasionally chaotic, but always entertaining history of the Woodpeckers.

The batting had rather more of the traditional Woodpeckers flavour: a few early wickets, a period of stability, a little panic, some heroic hitting and, eventually, a couple of batsmen deciding that the best way to win a cricket match is simply to hit the ball very hard.