Peckers v Peckers

For anyone who loves to watch the Masters golf tournament in April each year, there is comfort in the familiar scenes of the same course each year; the blend of hot pink Rhododendrons, warm sunshine and ancient trees provide the perfect backdrop for an elite sporting event. Barnes Common has, in many ways, become The Peckers’ "Augusta". There is the same expectation that every year, you know what you will get: fierce competition, moments of brilliance, a Pobsy speech or two, 3 casks of ale, and at least one person losing their shit in the middle.

This was the 1st Woodpeckers match in October; a risky strategy. Still, the cricket Gods and a highly unpredictable global weather pattern had blessed us with 23 degrees in October.

We assembled at Barnes Common via a network of Lime bikes and Ubers, thanks to ongoing rail worker strike action. The format of the day was still in discussion despite a 45-minute Zoom meeting held the previous day with team captains, which established we should sort it out on the day. We settled on a format of 2 innings of 100 ball format. Pobsy displayed two hot pink Kookaburras to be used for the day and instructed us all to assemble in our teams to decide the toss via boat race. Now, for the second year on the trot, this process to determine the team batting first, a boat race, would have consequences, with a few members "taxing out to the runway a little early".

It’s a fitting way to start, and a great way to re-introduce the Peckers

Team 1, The Greasy Pirates/Chefs, led by Chef and Greasy, lined up face to face with Team 2, The Mangy Rodents, led by Cat and Kwakka. Pobs provided a reintroduction to every player present, origins of nickname, etc, executed in 6 minutes? This was unexpectedly quick. Chef led out strong against a rather pathetic Kwakka, and it looked like a sure win for the greasy Chefs until Twinkle completely turned the race around in the middle order and enabled Horse (attending exclusively for the boat race) to deliver the winning finish.

So it was the Mangy Rodents to bat first, Opening with a CATOTTO ( Cat and Otto) partnership. The traditional rule of "try and hit your 1st ball for 6" was adopted in various ways. Still, Cat set a tempo for the day with an impressive legside smash/flick/thunder bastard into the Barnes Common deep undergrowth, a familiar environment for many peckers. At the other end, Otto started with promise but was felled by a Cyoungy Yorker, and the greasy chefs had their 1st wicket. Cat continued to take the game by the scruff of the neck, exhibiting the reverse sweep on several occasions with success now joined at the crease by the debutant - Ferndog ( Friend of Degsy, our newest pecker, what an addition).

Cat celebrates his fine knock whilst Novichok really want to show his appreciation

Doby also got his Undies out early

The traditionally slow to stationary Barnes pitch was living up to its billing in October, and the greasy chefs adopted slow bowling to extract just the right level of frustration from the mangy rodents. This resulted in some quick wickets of Ferndog and Twinkle falling to Millhouse, and Kamikaze stumped and caught both for 6, bringing gun batter and Number 1 draft pick Trash to the crease. Ready to kick to the next gear, the Mangy Rodents were hemmed back again by the guile of Chef, having Cat stumped for a glorious 30. The middle order of Trash and Kwakka could not get going, and both fell to the deceiving medium cutters of Butternut for 9 runs each; the mangy rodents were on the ropes. The rear-guard action came in the form of a Groundskeeper Willy/ Smeagol and Cannon adding some respectability to the lower order, Smeagol in particular finessing 27 runs. However, the rate of wickets lost was driving a concern if the rodents would see out all 100 balls. Cannon and Smeagol were back in the shed; Novichok and Degsy saw the rodents home to a respectable 137.

Before we could get to the main event - Greasy's Paella, the Greasy chefs had to bat their 1st innings.

 Opening up with Kamikaze and Butternut against an Otto and Cannon attack, the 1st few wickets to fall would be evidence of a level of cricket which shows up occasionally at the Peckers-Peckers. Firstly to run out Kamikaze with a one-handed pickup and throw down of the stumps from Dobbie, sublime by any standards. 2 overs later, Butternut edged a ball from Otto, snaffled, one-handed by a diving Ferndog, quite magnificent.

These 2 early wickets were followed by another 2 of Potter and Millhouse, another scalp for Otto and a wicket for Novichok. This gave the Mangy rodents a false sense of confidence, 4 wickets down and seemingly into the middle order.

Greasy batting one-handed owed to a slicing incident found a technique to club 36 runs before retiring

This combined with the fantastic Paella that followed, the net contribution from this woodpecker was outstanding. Cyoungy followed Greasy, piling on the runs, straight and correct, before falling to the groundskeeper for 32. This brought Moley to the wicket, whose form has rarely wobbled in 2023, and the same was true this time, eventually retiring for a solid 44. The momentum was now squarely with the greasy Chefs who amassed 161, with Tiddles, Westy and Chef adding runs at the tail.

Half-time, Greasy Chefs with a 24-run lead. There are many things that see the Peckers stand out one of the greatest cricket clubs the game has to offer but perhaps the most notable is our total commitment to doing things properly. We commit to the club’s culture of nicknames, familiarity, a middle to lower order batting collapse, consumption and every now and then periods of ‘proper cricket’. The Peckers Peckers was no exception, and this was highlighted with our match tea. Many clubs might have adopted a BYOB or served up mediocre sandwiches with a couple of tepid tinnies. We on the other hand, led by the Greasy Publican, erected a vast gas powered paella dish and three cases of delectable Flower Pots ale. As the first game ended, we encircled the dish, with many a Pecker keen to settle his munchies. Silence ensued as we feasted away in what was to be one of the last ‘summer’ days of the year.

The Absolute Legend Greasy working his magic on a Prawn, Chorizo and Chicken Paella that was delicious

 As per tradition, the batting orders from the previous games were reversed as Dobbie and Novichok took the crease to represent the Mangy Rodents. Novichok was keen to score some runs for fear of finishing his season with an average of 0. Thankfully he did and the pair got their team off to a good start before Westy bowled Doby and sent him back to the Paella

Myrtle guarding the delicious Flowepots

GK Smeagol was soon to follow after a wild swing and a miss saw him stumped from Kamikaze’s bowling and things started to look desperate for the Mangy Rodents until co-skipper Kwakka came and showed his worth knocking a quick and much needed 26 onto the total. Trash hit a big six and four before he too was dismissed by Chefrey’s deceptive bowling. Thankfully the Mangy Rodents still had some class to rely on. Novichok was still at the crease and slapped 26 on to the score along with a much needed 18 from Twinkle and 17* from Ferndog. It is at this point my memory becomes rather inexplicably foggy and the motor skills of the scorer must have also became rather impaired with two overs and a couple of other batting and bowling stats missing from the book. Alas there is no matter for that, as although I am struggling to remember specifics, I do fondly recall the laughter, merriment and debauchery that echoed around the ground. The Mangy Rodents supposedly finished on 117.  

It was now the turn of the Greasy Pirates/Chefs. Westy opened and gave the team the strong start they so hoped for. He heaved the ball around for a string of 4s and 6s before retiring on 36

Tiddles in particular admiration for Westy’s Beefy 36

Chef and Tiddles were less impressive both being caught for relatively few runs. The usually reliable Mole was hitting well until being spectacularly run out by TOB. Greasy’s one handed guard didn’t serve him as well as it did in the first game but luckily Cyoungy took to the crease and held things together, playing some ‘proper cricket’, albeit a tad slow for the 100 ball format and then in came Milhouse….

For those of you not accustomed to the Peckers Peckers I must inform you that without fail a customary meltdown occurs at some point in the game. In the past bats have flown, hard words have been spoken and grudges have been held due to decisions that arise at the yearly gathering on Barnes Common. This year, the new whipper snapper Millhouse was the one to take Umberidge with the umpire’s decision. He went after a bunger and was caught, triggered and told walk…except he didn’t. Tiddle’s finger stayed up but Millhouse stayed where he was. He tried insisting it was a free hit, his furrowed brow deepening as Trash’s cackle reverberated around the boundary. Tiddles held his ground and eventually Millhouse made the long journey back to the bags pausing once or twice to stare at the hysterical Mangy Rodents. If you succumb to meltdown, don’t expect sympathy! Potter finished off the game and scored the run needed to bring The Greasy/Pirate Chefs their victory. The revelries of the day continued long into the night as a descent of Woodpeckers made their way to the Coach and Horses

Much Later

At midnight it was Deggsy’s birthday so we celebrated with a cake, a song and some shots

Not a shred of evidence was to be found of our excursion at Barnes Common, not even so much as a beer cap and in the words of Otto ‘‘whilst leaving no traces should be expected, after such chaos it’s not often quite so complete and careful’’. As I sit now and contemplate the day, I think of two things: the first is the wonderful family and belonging one has in the Woodpeckers. The greetings, care, and interest we have in each other are truly unique to this club. Upon arriving at Barnes Common I felt a sense of warmth fill me in the knowledge that for one more afternoon of the year I’d be able to forget about the monotony of the usual day and relish in the ‘good times’ with my cricketing chums. The other is the assurance and knowledge that we are a club that is here to stay. A club that seemingly goes from strength to strength. A club where we don’t take ourselves seriously and instead laugh together at the absurdities of life. A club, one hopes, that is for life. The echoes of ‘winter well’ were heard in the pub as one by one we said our goodbyes and looked forward to the seasons ahead. As ever there is one man we must thank more than any else for this. Patrick, the club would be nothing like it is without you. We are enormously grateful for all you do and couldn’t hope for a better man at the helm. Thank you!

Brook

The weather was looking mighty fine for Brook, and the beautiful cricket pitch that greeted us was verdant and inviting. But it was going to be hot – French Riveria hot. So I ditched the Finura shirt and reached for the thinnest shirt I owned – Armani.

Potty looking every inch the opening bat

The Peckers were looking for the 14th win of the season to equal the all time record that had stood for…..years. Morale was high, but the number of solid batsmen (and bowlers) was low. Our fears were realised when Brook produced an 11 half our age – made up entirely of Amesbury school teachers, gappies, ex-pupils and current pupils. Hey, we had experience on our side. Brook told us they were looking forward to our irreverent banter and another bust-up between the oldies. We didn’t disappoint. Runky’s arrival 1.5 hours late catalysed the process. 

Because of our long tail, Pob decided that The Peckers should field first. Motty and Tiddles opened briskly, each giving away a miserly 3 runs per over. Tiddles struck early, clean bowling both openers – a brilliant spell of 8 overs 2-24. Motty was unlucky, but had 2 maidens to show for it with 5 overs for 14. We looked sharp in the field, with Snax diving and somersaulting at midwicket to stop a hard hit ball. A little dazed, he had no idea he had performed such acrobatics. Kamikaze (1-22) came on and snatched a catch, while Chef (2-28) served up some tasty morsels, bagging 2 wickets.

Bonnotty Boo on Brook debut enjoying a pre-match libation

But Brook’s score was steadily climbing. The youth were looking comfortable, while the oldies wilted in the searing heat. Potty, aka Riviera, came on to bag a surprise LBW, only given by the umpire after a softly murmured appeal. A barrage of Potty (1-15) beamers came next, closely followed by some high flying bombs from the Baron (0-40) off 4. To be fair if Snax hadn’t run under one from Ollie Clarke the story may have been different.

Chef’s tasty morsels extended to plenty of morale-lifting witty banter, but nonetheless Brook’s 5th wicket partnership quickly added 75 runs. Until that Wunderkid Gavin Borat clipped the bails off with pace – his 4 overs yielding an impressive 1-8. Merv removed his gloves to bowl a couple. With the scoreboard mounting and the clock ticking Pobsy’s persistent pleading paid off and Brook Skipper agreed to change the game to 35 overs, much to our relief. This meant we could restrict Brook to a decent 181 for 7 wickets.

 Tea was a picnic affair. Other chef Motty had conjured up some wonderful chicken satay. The author rated the peanut sauce ‘special’, the secret ingredient being lime zest. Merv’s bacon and egg pie was a Yorkshireman’s delight. Gemotty came along with the ever smiling Bonnie, who provided endless amusement and clucking from Potty’s three daughters and Paula – all of whom had also attended Amesbury, with Paula still a teacher there. Given the years of heritage between our 2 clubs and the Amesbury connection, it was great to see the two oppos and wags mingle so effortlessly.

Kamikaze and Riviera opened the batting, but succumbed early. Kamikaze caught for 7 from Brook’s steam train captain, Rodders. Riviera managed a shirt-flapping 1, bowled by an in-swinging 12 year old, soon followed by Snax who suffered the same ignominy for 0. On comes newby Richard Anthony, aka Levers because of his long arms and legs. A wonderful boundary looked promising, but then caught for 4. 

Oh dear, we were 12 for 4, can Borgav save the day? – again. He damn nearly did, with a masterclass of timing, skill and hard hitting. Gav was unlucky to be caught for 56 by one of the best catches I’ve seen in Sunday cricket – a one handed diving somersaulting affair. Our scoreline resumed it’s previous trajectory, with POB and Big Merv bowled for 2 and 4 respectively. . Brook were treated to the usual POB/Runky bickering, with the latter refusing to umpire – presumably because of the punishing heat.

Peckers were now 75 for 7, chasing 181. Enter our great all-rounder Otto/Motty/Sous-chef. He doesn’t like singles and started swinging from the outset, with an awesome 2,1,2,4,4 to start. With Tiddles at the other end also kicking off with a 4, could this partnership rescue us? Otto kept the dream alive with a solid innings of 27, but was caught and the Peckers were doomed. Chef boundaried and was then bowled, leaving Runky to face Brooks’ high speed Rodders. Runky somehow defended the onslaught, with much cheering when knicking a 4. But it couldn’t last and Tiddles was last man standing with 13, The Peckers all out for 134.

It was still Riviera hot, so we all hurried to lovely Dog and Pheasant for lashings of ginger beer. A wonderful day of camaraderie and laughter.

HAC

On a hugely splendid morning the woodpeckers travelled to the centre of London for Saturday’s game at the esteemed HAC cricket club, a bastion of tradition and excellence in the realm of cricket. As the sun graced us with its radiant presence on a fine morning, the peckers gathered where the echoes of timeless battles and not so glorious defeats for the peckers resonated through the air. Nestled within the heart of the city, the HAC Cricket Club stands as a testament to the enduring legacy of cricket. The emerald expanse of the field, framed by centuries old architecture, set the stage for an encounter that was sure to live long in the memory for both teams. As the teams assembled the honour of the coin tossed awaited, along with a gentle reminder from the HAC that they wanted to get on with the occasion, seemingly thinking we would be an easy win considering last year’s display. Due to the time of year the line-up was a mix of old timers, youthful peckers and some wonderful ringers who I am sure will be invited back next season.

With the decision to play time, and the ever-growing support arriving, the travelling Woodpeckers won the toss and elected to field first, so POBS and his merry men took to the field for what they assumed would be a rather long afternoon. To open up new member Snoss took the red cherry along with the recalled pecker Ham. The boys started beautifully with Snoss bowling with some real heat, complimented by some T20 style variation from Ham. The HAC were on the back foot from the off and looked all at sea against the aggressive opening pair. Soon the pressure paid off with Snoss getting his first thoroughly deserved pecker wicket having batsman Edwards caught behind by the ever-reliable Mole. Important to say on his first peckers appearance Snoss bowled 7 straight overs to open the innings, deserving more than the 1 wicket for his efforts. One brought two and Ham followed up swiftly removing the new batsmen, with a very smart catch being taken by fellow ringer Watty at second slip

Trash and Mole had called upon their yellow phone book to try and fill out the ground for the occasion and the call was duly answered by a swarm of friends and family. With Trash’s cousin DP among the playing outfit and their parents along for the watch the pressure was on to perform.

Arun had batted well to get through the openers and moved to a dangerous looking 24, and now Daniel , a leg spinner came on. The first ball was a long hop which Arun gleefully pulled over mid on only for to Snoss to defy gravity taking a brilliant catch high above his head.

Family Traas

Trash brought on to replace Hamid took the rewards that Hamid really deserved, with Kamikaze taking a fine grab at gully off his first over, with the dangerous Liam departing. Trash swapped ends and followed up his first with 3 wickets in his very next over to leave him on a hattrick and a potential first 5 wicket hall for the peckers. However, our skipper had other ideas and cruelly took this opportunity away from him claiming we couldn’t bowl them out for 50 as it would cause tension between the clubs.

DP followed this up with a further wicket in a glorious spell, finishing with figures of 2 wickets for 4 runs off his 4 overs. New pecker Charlie, who had quickly gained the nickname of Curly Kale due to opening up his spell with a ball more aligned to our dear Spinach, bowled beautifully on debut.

Kale with incredible enthusiasm getting the stubborn wicket of Oliver caught behind for 2. This brought on the canny Chef to mop up the final wicket. Fresh from an early morning Gym session that made his already mannequin-esque body even more immobile, Chef duly wrapped up the innings having the final batsman trapped on the crease plum LBW. An outstanding effort then from the peckers mixed with some truly horrible batting from the HAC meat the first innings was over after just an hour with HAC being bowled out for a miserable 61.

Oxleys team-mates Harry and Watty opening

Due to the early finish of the first innings tea was nowhere in sight, so the peckers strode out to try and finish the job swiftly. Watty and fellow new pecker Harry kicked us off with a sturdy opening stand. Harry, who had the misfortune of being Pobsy’s LMS captain 10 years ago, batted with assurance before a rash swipe ended his innings for 11. This brought to the crease Kamikaze, who had looked a little off colour all day due to the distinct lack of a bar at the HAC. As the withdrawals and shakes kicked in Kaze looked uncharacteristically scratchy and his innings came to a prompt end when planted LBW for 9 and Watty soon followed Kaze back to the hutch. This left it for Snoss and Mole to see us home. Snoss in particular looked fluid with bat in hand, it seems we have found a real gem on our hands for the future. He played aggressively smashing two huge sixes into the red brick running alongside the shorter boundary and finished with a well-made 24 not out, with the mole seeing us home with a glorious flick through midwicket to finish 5 not out.

Pecker Team and supporters

Tea was taken with the game done and dusted by 3pm. A glorious treat it was however as we settled in for some fine sandwiches, cakes and sausage roles in the famous HAC Queen’s room. With a whole army of supporters firmly settled in at this point and with the delightful presence of Watty’s son Arthur there to provide entertainment, Pobsy took it on himself to negotiate a 100 game with the HAC to make sure the supporters/players got their money’s worth. The HAC begrudgingly agreed to the request and allowed the peckers to bat first.

The peckers racked up an impressive 158 from their hundred balls with DP, Jones, Trash and Palmer all retiring after hitting 25 not out. The HAC set about chasing there target with Liam getting revenge on Trash by hitting him for 25 off his 10 allotted balls. This really brought the Trash supporters to their feet as they cheered the onslaught on his bowling vociferously. However, normal service resumed, and another impressive bowling display restricted the HAC to 115 from their 100 balls. Particularly impressive were DP yet again and a fine spell from our very own Pobs, who bowled his 10 balls for 9 runs and 2 wickets.

Another victory (or 2) for the peckers then and a special day out at a special ground came to an end. With a host of supporters in tow the team settled in for a crisp pint or 4 across from the ground. A huge thank you to all those that came along to watch and for the ringers, Snoss, DP, Kale, Harry and Watty for contributing so much to the day. We march onto the next games with the record of most wins in a season just one away.

Cheers, Trash!

Future Pecker young Arthur Watt a lefty like his dad gets some practice in on the hallowed turf

Teddington

And so, the Peckers season continued into the rarefied confines of Bushey Park for our annual game against the wonderful Teddington CC. Several Peckers are alumni of this fine club, but on this occasion only Muttley was flying the flag.

The early assembled Peckers (all 4 of us) were watching the u11 final hoping that none of the players (especially the bowlers) were going to be free to play against us as there was some expectational fast bowling on display.

However, it was clear that these games were not going to be finished in time to trouble us but there was a selection of U15’s to U18s alongside several other players who looked like they could trouble the usual ramshackle Peckers team.  

Our day was further brightened by the arrival of the Life President with Borgav, who was settled in for a glorious afternoon. The most senior Pecker soon to be joined by the most junior as Cousin Le Davide and TicTac arrived with 12 week old Isla Hazel. The weather was set fair with a strong breeze coming down the ground blowing the clouds quickly across the sky with dappled sunshine. Perfect cricketing weather on what your correspondent feels is the most beautiful ground.

Isla Hazel (aka Squirrel Nutkin)

POB lost the toss and Teddington chose to bat first. As Teddington had 12 and we had an extra player in Murphy (who had come to get some stuff done on the boundary) it was agreed that we would play 12 a side, everyone had to bowl at least an over, and there had to be 2 catchers in place at all times.  

Teddington opened with a father and son pairing who started slowly and with Spinach and Pippin given the new cherry there were few opportunities to score. Pippin stuck first bowling the younger Versey. Spinach, keeping a tight line then had Father Versey caught at slip by one of the catches of the season by Borgav. It was a stunning catch down low to his right which led to much celebrating (and the inevitable Pip-Squeak).

 This led to the Harrington-Myers being together brothers to the crease, the elder an international cricketer (for the Cayman Islands) but this was short lived with the elder brother holing out to Kamikaze off the buffet from Chef. Other than this Chefs bowling also led to an injury to Borgav who was chasing a ball around the boundary when his hamstring went. His old nickname of ‘Matron’ came about due to two injuries in one match and is pushing for a recall. This led to Teddington providing a substitute fielder. More on this shortly.

Kami fancies himself as a Liam Livingstone…mmm

There followed a 50 run partnership which pushed the Teddington total towards 100 with some assistance from the Peckers in the field, including a stunning drop from Spinach on the fine leg boundary which those of us at the other end of the pitch were convinced had been caught but then popped out of his paws and over the boundary. Pobs was then brought on and got the first of his 2 wickets with a catch by Jimmy (our Teddington Substitute) with a shot that he couldn’t drop. This led to much hilarity for both teams (and a new signing for the peckers). The second caught by Cousin in the same position.  

Kamikaze was brought on to further the spin option and this led to the breaking of the partnership and after that wickets fell regularly. Kwakka was brought on and with his first ball secured a wicket formed in the shire with a wide long hop spooned up to Pippin in the covers. Cousin then steamed down the hill and this led to the second catch of the season with a superb catch by Murphy in the slips, two handed above his head. In amongst this the ever-reliable Moleman managed to spill 2 tricky catches behind the stumps, your correspondent had a couple of overs, and the last three wickets were picked up by Spinach, Trash and Pippin. Teddington finished on 177 all out off 38.3 overs.

Pip-Squeak leads us off after a third consecutive brace of wickets

The teams made their way to the wonderful new club house for a superb tea with an excellent selection of sandwiches, duck wraps, hot samosas and chicken dippers finished off with scones albeit with jam first and then cream. In this correspondent’s opinion the wrong way round but still delicious.  

Top 3 get ready with Isla Hazel

After a team photo the Peckers innings started with Kamikaze and your correspondent. After a glorious shot for 4 Kamikaze was bowled but an exceptional ball nipping back and taking out his off stump. This correspondent was joined at the crease by Kwakka and with the ball nipping about all over the shop a 43 run partnership was put together which saw off the worst off the new ball. However, Jimmy was bowling excellently down the hill and with his pecker allegiance firmly put away and having taken Kami he got Kwakka with another beauty that swung in then seamed away once again taking the top of the off stump. Nothing that could be done.

from back l-r Kami, Mole, Murph, Borgav, Pob, Spin, Chef, Mutt, Kwak, Pipp, Trash, Cous+Isla

Moleman then joined and Teddington brought on a raft of leg spinners whom this correspondent struggled to score off, but Moleman didn’t and a partnership of 91 ensued with the run rate kept up so that the chase was going well. However, your correspondent managed to scratch his way to 50 and then hilarity ensued. Firstly, given out LBW having bottom edged it onto the pads but the umpire reversed his decision having decided that it was going down leg as well as bottom edged (your correspondent will accept his fine for holding his bat up to the umpire), next ball a catch was spooned off the back of the bat to slip and this correspondent had started walking off but realised it had been dropped and scampered a single and then finally hit a ball straight back at the bowler which was dropped. Amazingly, Moleman was next to go having hit a wonderful 47. Trash then arrived at the crease, having been asleep on the boundary and proceeded to hit 32 off 25 balls to bring the innings to a close with a further victory for the Peckers.

Muttley and Traash steer us home

All parties repaired to the Bar where Jimmy was signed up to the Peckers due to his Tonbridge connections (and POB knowing his dad) and the many supporters enjoyed a beverage in the evening sun. The party had been enlivened by the arrival of the Kwakkettes -Kwakka-Licious, juicy Lucy and Clubbers and shortly Horse and GG also arrived looking thirsty. Many Drinks and Laughs were enjoyed in the early evening sunshine to celebrate a 14th win of the season for the peckers. 

https://teddington.play-cricket.com/website/results/6043546

Peckers Up!!!

The Kwakkettes

GG, Horse, Kwakka, and -licious

LP says well done on win number 14!

Treasury

After 84 years, in 2023 Peckers have scheduled their first ever competitiveT20 contests. The first in June was the victorious Pecker Ashes and The Kings House Sports Ground in Chiswick, West London was the venue for the T20 match against The Treasury C.C (conceived over a delicious BBQ at the 2022 Hog-Wash(out). A crowd of 500 turned up to see us in action (498 of them were actually grey geese) who were nesting on the 4 inch long outfield.  The pitch resembled a Lawn Bowls strip and our skipper called “Heads” and decided to make first use of it.  

The rules – 20 overs, ten per end, retire at 25. 

It was new territory for our 40 over plunderers but we took to it like a CAT-fish to water. From ball 1 BAGPUSS-BALL was in full swing. It was a feline frenzy with 16 off 1st over of the game and we never looked back. Agricultural and Imperious at the same time, Cat set the tone and Moley’s eye’s adjusted as it got darker and built the paced too. After just 6 overs, both openers were made to declare. 

Lav and Borgav simultaneously replaced the retirees and there was little remorse for the Treasury Attack. More coffers were plundered as the pink compo ball was dispatched to all corners of W4 and even the low flying 747s were banking for cover on the flight path above.

What followed must be a T20 record at that ground – as the first 4 batters all had to declare – Cat, Moley, Gav and Lav all reached 25 and after 12 overs we’d already notched up 105 for 0 wickets with all 4 men back on the bench, and hoping for a recall - The Treasury was officially declared bankrupt! 

Mrytle kept the geese off the wicket and was otherwise very well behaved despite the visible NO DOGS signs throughout the pavilion. It must have been the pedigree chum she was given in the dressing room beforehand that made sure there no avian kills that night.

There was an unfortunate start for our newest debutant – Paddy ‘CUTLERY’ Faulkner who perished first ball as the middle order struggled to keep up the healthy run rate against what was a decent but dazed Treasury attack . Pippin chiselled 13 and Gk Smeagol 10 before some kamikaze running at the death involving Capt POBSY as we scampered to a very respectable 161 for 7 off our 20. A lame an un-retired cat yowled complaints and repeatedly tried a hideous reverse sweep , the third of which saw him banished to his litter box lbw by a delighted Spinach for 32.

Bagpuss and Headmaster Twinkle

With the light fading it seemed a very tough ask for the Treasury.  Solid lengths and decent wheels from Spinach and Greasy set them right back, each taking a wicket and Spin only yielding a couple of singles 

Founded in 1066 (surely not a good omen) their 1st Lord – a certain Mr Rishi Sunak would have been pulling his hair out if he saw just how slowly his minions went about this run chase .

The introduction of left arm debutante Paddy ‘Cutlery’ Faulkner made immediate in roads as he took his maiden wicket with some silver service of his own, GK Smeagol also snaffled.  

Our new secret weapon with the ball Pippin notched two more wickets in his only over and broke a new record for being the only pecker to be on hat-trick balls on consecutive matches after Marlow heroics. Despite 14 run out chances only one was executed and that was when the batter slipped over(Pob refused a reprieve due to our pub reservation looming). Pecker fielding was also secure, all chances taken besides what would have been a worldy by a Flying Cat at Fine Leg.    

Lav picked up 2 useful wickets, Twinkle one and when Borgav castled their only retiree Slater to wrap things up that meant all 8 bowlers had taken a wicket(that must be a record too). The Treasury were officially declared bankrupt at 93 all out. only 6 x4’s in their entire innings meant they were always in debt, eventually by 67 runs. 

From Back - Greasy, Cutlery, Pobsy, GK Smeagol, Spinach, Twinkle. Front -Borgav, Moley, Pippin, Cat, Lav

 In near darkness the victorious 11 made their way to The White Hart majestically set on the river in Barnes for Fish N Chips, Burgers and Ales to celebrate our 13th victory of the season. We were described by Treasury Skipper as ‘a serious T20 outfit’ and need one more win to equal the Pecker season record!

 Mr Sunak has this morning called for an urgent enquiry into events.

Cutlery surrounded by his new family

Marlow Park

After a country-wide washout of a league Saturday, it was with trepidation that Peckers were discussing the forecast for Sunday on the Whatsapp group. A brighter day was promised by the Met Office and it was under slightly less angry clouds that the team made the journey west to the bustling metropolis that is Marlow Park on a Sunday.

Having squeezed through Marlow suspension bridge and told the 10th cyclist of the journey what he thought of them, Chef deposited yours truly and the skipper in a large puddle behind the MPCC pavilion. As the bar was open and no other playing Peckers were to be found (Gav had arrived for his day of umpiring and photography in good time) it was decided that we should probably try the offerings from the local Rebellion brewery to pass the time. In true Sunday cricket style, players from both teams pushed their captain’s nerves by daring to turn up as late as possible, it was roughly 5 playing members that were present at the toss and this may have influenced the skipper’s decision to have a bat. As such, an opening partnership of Kamikaze and Moleman, born at the Worthys playing for Malmesbury U11s, got their gear on ready to do battle.

According to ChatGPT, “The primary goal of opening batters in cricket is not to score quickly, but rather to provide a solid and stable start to the innings.” - I don’t think this constitutes swiping wildly at every ball and getting caught at square leg off a long-hop less than 15 minutes into the innings, but we can’t all be perfect. A reprieve was almost granted by fine leg spectacularly rugby tackling square leg as he took the catch in a thud heard loud and clear over the din of the carnival music emanating from the park, but I had to make way for Pippin and get back to the moreish IPAs in the bar.

Peckers enjoying a rain break and the local ales

What followed was a period of stability with the bat from Moleman and Pippin knocking around the 1s and 2s, juxtaposed with some serious instability in the weather. After a series of coming off and going back on again, the game was agreed to be reduced to 35 overs a side.

As Moley was creeping closer to another 50 and shaking off the POTY curse for good, the Marlow bowler sent down a moon ball that “dipped late” according to the Mole and just managed to dislodge the bails. Unfortunately for Marlow the celebrations were short lived as all this did was bring in Akki, a man more customed to hard bouncy decks in Australia but didn’t seem to have much trouble getting going on a grass covered pudding.

Delightful strokeplay from Akki

When Pippin chipped up for a well-made 29, excitement peaked for the capacity crowd of travelling fans (Frohlich on her own) as Merry strode out to bat. He’d be the first to admit he hasn’t real ‘got going’ yet this year, but 2 sumptuous 4s (albeit one a run 4 following some buzzers) before top edging for 15 tripled his average on the year - there’s no stopping him from now on surely..?

Not so much…there and back again

Following a ball change from Marlow (chef very interested in proceedings here) and Traash getting out to one of the most disgusting shots seen in a fair old while in front of his mum on Pecker debut.

Akki passed his 50 – exceptionally refreshing to see a classical basement make runs with ease, long may it continue for the Peckers! At the other end, Greasy in his T20 gloves had just started hitting the ball off the square when Akki had to finally depart for 82. That brought in the skipper who promptly ran out the newly married man in a play described on the boundary as “absolutely brainless, depth of thought of an antelope” – no prizes for guessing the snappily dressed individual quoted.

Greasy not happy with the run out - Baron has heard it all before

There was only an over left tbf and the skipper was himself run out by Mr Skinner off the last ball much to Greasy’s delight. Peckers a respectable 273-8. A crisp-less tea was had and conversation turned to Clubman of the Year Cat and his latest recruitment drive, apparently he has found a handy dancer who can hold an end up and already has a Peckers nickname – Hagrid.

The bowling effort started with POBs looking round for seam options and he finally decided upon Greasy to begin proceedings from the river/carnival end. Fair to say it was an eventful first over, 15 from it, an enormous 6 and Mr Skinner headbutting the floor as he pushed one over the rope for 4. Things were looking better from the other end as the skipper stepped up and brought in a second slip for the anticipated wobble he would no doubt produce. Alas, no-ball 6 first up and a total of 16 runs ended his opening spell rather abruptly.

Due to the attacking nature of the Marlow batsmen, when Akki was brought on to replace POBs a deep cow was stationed from the start. The svelte figured chosen to boundary ride was Greasy and he repaid the faith with a quite magnificent catch, tossing it up as his momentum took him over the boundary and he leapt back in to secure the catch. This clearly lit a fire inside the publican as an over or two later he threatened to throw the ball at the other opener who was twice his size. Thankfully he engaged his brain and as the batter was walking off after spooning a caught and bowled off a slower ball, it was very much under his breath that Greasy let on “he was really starting to wind me up”.

Enjoying the carnival music

Akki continued to bowl tightly picking up 2 textbook off spinners wickets and was only taken off to bring on the Baron to partner Chef. 2 tight spells from the spin twins were interlaced with some dancing in the outfield to the carnival tunes. A comedy wicket from Runky spared the game from really starting to drift like a ruderless ship, a slower delivery even for his standards was dragged onto the pegs – no celebration from the Baron for that one. Towards the end of Darling Runky’s spell Gav was finally called upon to make a decision from umpire, ‘decision’ might be a bit of a push as he had to reluctantly give the plumbest LBW you can get.

Not your finest wicket Runky

To keep the crowd and the fielders entertained the all-rounders were called upon by POBs, starting with the danger bowler Merry. Danger is definitely the word as he got three warnings in his one over for beamers, sadly he was promptly taken out of the attack by our skip who had realised 19 an over may make the game a tad tighter than hoped. In contrast, the halfling bowling from the other end had much more luck. Pippin took his first Peckers wicket and promptly took his second the very next ball! In came the fielders ready to snaffle an unlikely hattrick – full, wide and smashed by the number 11 for 4, normal serviced resumed.

Pippin’s 1st wickets brought squeals of delight…his brother didn’t join in the celebrations

The final few overs were sent down in a variety of different manners from Liam Livingston and Traash, all equally rubbish and it was with a dropped catch in the covers that Marlow finished on 192-9. A special mention has to go to Munch and the Marlow skip for solid rear guard efforts and capitalising on the deteriorating standard of bowling.

The winning team with Chef doing his best ‘Ashley Cole’

As usual, the teams shared post-match pints and the Peckers basked in our 12th win of the season, just three more to get the all-time record!

Much love & peckers up

Kamikaze xoxo

Barnes Common

The gloomy afternoon weather outlook prompted an early 11.30 start with 30 overs per side, and players from both teams duly convened on the wild pastures of Barnes Common, prepared for battle between two clubs that knew how to play Sunday cricket in the right spirit. But competitively so, and thus the scene was set for the return of the Pecker youth contingent who had been absent the previous week at Headley to celebrate Greasy’s nuptials. It felt like a day to rekindle friendships and make new acquaintances, as Lordy, who had the questionable fortune of having been “schooled” with Trash, Felix and Moleman, was the latest fresh faced pecker debutant to be welcomed by POBsy to the Pecker bosom. Sporting a 1970s porn star moustache to prove that he had achieved puberty, he would answer to many nicknames during the day, including Lord Kitchener and Ron Jeremy. But he would have the last laugh.

We were in the field, and it had been rumoured that Barnes had a more than useful team, bolstered by the inclusion of occasional pecker legend, Henners, whose father had co-founded the club with Sir Howard Davies, former BOE deputy governor and head of the FSA back in the 80s. Spinach and Tiddles took the new ball, (orange, with a miserly lacquer and seam, required for visibility purposes on a ground with no sight screens as any attempt to introduce them was met by a challenge to vandalise them by the local Clockwork Orange teenagers). The opposition batsmen brought their own brand of Barnesball to the pitch, and the left hand/right hand opening combo unsettled our bowlers who were errant in line and length for much of the afternoon. Spells tended to always bear several gifts an over, a leg stump full toss here, a half tracker there, and their batsmen punished us to all sides of the boundary when the opportunities came. Spinach did tempt a caught behind off an average delivery to be grabbed by Moleman behind the stumps. His first, and least, of three catches on the day. Barnes must have known that the Orange ball was not on any bowlers christmas card list, and used conditions they knew so well to keep themselves on top in early exchanges. The randomness of good deliveries meant the the laws of mathematics did not reward them when they were bowled, except for the beauty that Tiddles managed to dislodge Sanjay. Spinach did manage to pick up a second, another caught behind, before the introduction of newly wed Greasy and Cheffrey . Greasy would produce a useful spell of 1 for 25 off his full six, proving he still had the stamina after his exertions in the bridal suite the week before. Cheffrey returned 2 for 23 off 3, a Curates Egg of a display that nevertheless kept him at the top of the wickets tally for the season, although he also attracted some sarcastic congratulations after being taken off after serving some victoria sponge cakes. The malaise had spread to Martini who shelled two chances and the Pecker youth, and self appointed spokesperson Trash, did not miss an opportunity to pass their judgement on the bowling/fielding display so far. POBsy knew it was time to roll the dice. Some pride needed to be restored and the ball was thrown confidently to debutant Lordy. It was at this moment that the Peckers remembered how to play fine cricket, and he showed us what consistent line and length actually means (3 for 33 off 4), backed up by wonderful fielding… POBsy took an excellent catch that he scooped from the turf to dismiss the dangerous opener, and Moleman did a fine superman impression by diving to fingertip catch a leading edge off Henners bat. Lordy’s spell should have brought us back into the game on equal terms except for the fact that Trash and Felix were to come on at the other end and runs were given away like confetti at an Italian wedding. The lucky recipient of these gifts was Barnes no 11. with the bat, Walli (33), who was anything but with the bat. (Felix; “it was like bowling at Kevin Petersen in his prime”). And so we were set 194 of 30, at 6.5 per over.

Tea would be an improvised affair, to the fleeting disappointment of some who had gone to bed the night before in excited expectation of Glaister Inns finest sandwich selection, but quick thinking by Chef and POBsy meant that Sainsbury’s meal deals were purchased, and they turned out to be most excellent, and more edible than some of the teas on the circuit in all honesty.

Whilst the food delivery was en route from Barnes high street, Felix and Martini strode to the middle to face a very controlled Barnes attack of Freedman and Walli. Cat was in his zone, with the biggest threat to his concentration the arrival of the meal deals (would he be left with the limp BLT and oven baked Discos? ). Martini was not leaving that to chance, as he saw the pile of sandwiches quickly diminish, and after making a solid start, contrived a run out so he could be reunited with the Prawn cocktail sandwich/crisp pairing. The bowling was tight and skilful, but Felix’s stomach could take no more, as he notched up 38 before being bowled, and quickly made his way to the improvised tuck shop set up on a pair of batting pads. Greasy came in but the drizzle started, and became more steady by the 18th over when the reply stood at 96-2, cruelly causing the game to be abandoned while seemingly finely balanced. Sir Howard Davies, who kindly scored for the entirety of the game, was seen above “cooking the books”, so when the Pecker youth excitedly reviewed the scorecards to see who had the worst figures, in a show of shadenfreude that would have amused Sigmund Freud, a complaint that Trash’s wicket had been omitted from the record was seen as being done on moral grounds as revenge for his barracking of fellow team mates throughout the day.

A full Pecker entourage (minus Spinach who had to get some Avacdo time in after going awol at the Oval during the week), retired to the Coach and Horses, joining a rump of Barnes players, and nestled into a function room to enjoy an earlier than expected ale. The married and partnered were keen to make full advantage of the extra couple of hours they had before resuming their relationship duties, and Martini and POBsy bought two generous rounds in quick succession to ensure there were no early departures. Greasy is known to have spent more money per capita than anyone else at this tavern, after dropping an entire tray of 10 pints at the peckers party in 2022, only to buy the round again a minute later. His popularity with the bar management (and the team due to his generosity) reached new levels when he ordered the entire menu in duplicate for the team to graze on, after the disappointment that Sunday roasts were not available. Commemorative photos were taken by a most pleasant amateur photographer who Snax had enlisted from the general public, and I think she was rewarded with several pecker phone numbers. Conversation moved from the game just played, to thoughts of future sunnier times in the scheduled Porto tour of spring 2024, before the arrival of local Pecker celebrities, Horse and GG. Inevitably talk turned to the 5th test at the Oval, and Cheffrey and Tiddles were seen to perk up at reports that the Australian press had been preparing headlines for Tuesday that would announce the Death of Bazball. As always Cricket will be the true winner. A wonderful day that was full of laughter from start to finish, and thanks again were given to POBsy for his tireless efforts. We left with full bellies and hearts and the group trickled out onto an unsuspecting Barnes high street. Next week, Majestic Marlow

HEADLEY

‘I  am at backward point, you prat.’ And so we begin, with baronial elegance, this match report.

It had all started so well as the Woodpeckers took to Headley with spirits high on the penultimate Sunday of July. The locals had been enjoying a slow sabbath lunch before our boys strutted into the cavernous Cock Inn, and set about lubricating their joints with the house choice. But perhaps there was a sign of mixed messages to come as the Chef ordered a lager only to be delivered an ale by the well-meaning Snax.  

The general chat was that we were fortunate to be staging a game at all after Saturday’s rainfall preceded a positive 9.00am pitch inspection. Fortunately, the outfield at Headley drains quickly. What is more, unlike Old Trafford, the sun had come out and the game was on. Bottoms up.

Skipper won the toss, and the oppo was invited to set the Woodpeckers a target. With a batting line up of impeccable pedigree – from darling Runkle and his own blood and heir, to the son of a Sri Lankan Test and one-day great – that seemed a sound plan at the time.

Spinach was tossed the little red cabbage and opened proceedings at pace. Your correspondent was stationed at square leg for the majority and so cannot comment on the line, but can pass on the view of the standing umpire from Spinach’s stumps – ‘impeccable’. And it had to be because of the famously short boundary that ran alongside this lovely little ground.

He and Tiddles kept the opening bats – Mani and Edwards – honest for an over or two before the hosts began to find some joy with the fast outfield they knew so well. Tiddles was coming up the hill somewhat while Spinach kept on spearing his leguminous grenades from his favoured end; he soon rearranged Mani’s timber to great acclaim and, quite frankly, relief as the partnership had been pushing 50. Edwards did not last long without his comfort blanket at the other end, but his dismissal deserves its own chapter.

Picture the scene, if you will. Muttley crouching behind the stumps and squinting into a sweat-hazed horizon. Spinach hurtling down the hill, ready to unfurl a shining nut that was destined to swing from in to out. And swing it did, clipping the edge of Edwards’ hanging bat before searing off somewhere towards the right of dear old Mutters. The best don’t think, they do…and Muttley did, taking off to his right like a Humvee off a landmine, in glorious flight to pluck an absolute beauty at full length, inches off the ground. ‘Oh, waddacatch!’ Richie Benaud fawned from his grave. ‘What. A. Catch.’ Truly, a pearler ‘twas and the dam had been breached. Or so we thought.

Our first-change entered the race with Runkle purring in from the Tiddles End. We all enjoy the Baron’s gentle gate, as did the batsmen who took him for a few over the short boundary, which we thought was not the done thing to something of such beauty. Runkie did not begrudge the result but was unenthused by the style, which he considered to be on the agricultural end of the spectrum. Objectively speaking, he had a point – there were few straight drives nor well-timed clips off the leg, but plenty across the line; hard to blame them, though, as they were making hay.

Patrick brought on Akki, a 19 year-old debutant with the head of a seasoned pro (well tutored by his father Russel Arnold). He mixed up some off-spin with some medium pace while Lav – now, there’s a man who can – sorted out the farmhands with some urbane bowling, much to Runckie’s delight.  

Again and again, Snax hurled himself like a rag-doll around the mid-off region without due regard for his own safety while the scoreboard ticked over towards 165 for 5 off 26 overs at a ground where 220 is par in a game of 35 each. The ledger was well-balanced.

Then out walked the great disrupter, batting at 7 and looking like he was ready for a ploughman’s. Sadly, he had an appetite only for Chef’s fayre and this was a shame because our reliable Chef does not serve fast food. But the man they call Mammoth saw only a picnic and put away several maximums, with one clearing the large oak tree in the corner and another disappearing into the woods beyond the pavilion. The big man’s weighty 48 at a strike rate of 230 was proof of his feast and the Woodpeckers felt sick. All of a sudden, the total stood at 222 for 7 with 4 overs remaining.

Some fettle was restored by fine catches in the deep from Lav and the sparkling Akki before Runkie Jnr exerted his knowledge of Newtonian physics on the lower order, spinning the tail several formulae they could not decipher to end with two wickets upon his return to the fold after ten years away.

The total that coulda-shoulda been around 210 to 220 was 247, and a lovely tea was taken as the curtain fell at Old Trafford. Attention was turned to the Royal and Ancient as cheese and pickle, tuna mayo, ham and cheese, and egg mayo sandwiches were all on offer on both white and wholemeal, which was a lovely touch. They were paired with mini sausage rolls, scotch eggs and – would you believe? – caramel shortbread and brownies. A treasure trove.

Muttley swapped his pads to open the batting with Twinkle, who was told to take his time. Take his time he did in contributing 13 runs off the first 10 overs in a 35-over game. After the static start, Lav came and soon went, striking a couple of forceful boundaries before holing out and the Woodpeckers were 42 for 2 in the 12th over. Kudos, however, to the 15 year-old Greayer-Smith, who was swinging the ball at good pace.

Lav’s departure gave the Headley boys the impression that the game was up, but they had not factored in Akki who clipped his first ball off his legs for four. He and Muttley went on to build a 124 run stand, playing some delightful strokes along the way. Akki threaded the ball around the ground with variety, and those on the boundary with a beer in hand enjoyed the young’un calling Muttley through for twos and threes when the required run-rate became acute. That rate hovered around 10, and the boys were doing almost enough, but Akki eventually mis-cued one and was caught for a classy and timely 80 off 52 with 8 overs to go and 80 required.

Cracking knock, that.

With his wingman gone, Muttley took his guard heroically once more and looked set to carry his bat as he had done on his way to a hefty century in the romp at Ham and Petersham in late May. In truth, he and the partners that came to join him were up against it with a stiff rate needed; risks had to be taken and Spinach was run out on a kamikaze call. Soon, too, was Muttley who took a well-earned 74 runs with him to the pavilion.

A great day’s work from Muttley - what about that catch?! ‘He was flying’ said the umpire.

As wickets fell, the RRR climbed to 14 and although Patrick tried to stoke the embers as his family gathered at this special place, the Woodpeckers’ fire was out of oxygen.

A second loss of the season had arrived by 6.45pm and by 27 runs.

Greasy’s nuptials at the fore of the mind, perhaps, or frustrated that Today at the Test was a non-starter later that evening, the Woodpeckers appeared to have been affected by some form of emotional hangover. With that in mind, they took on a pint or two from the bar in the pavilion, and chatted to the opposition in the evening sun, putting the disappointment to one side for conviviality’s sake.

Runkie, on the other hand, was in such a funk that he departed without his kit, leaving it to his batman, Patrick, to launder and press.

Press on we do.

Scorecard here, kindly: Headley Old Freemens CC (play-cricket.com)

Twinkle x

Outwood

Catches really do win matches….And proof that terrible ground fielding may not be a real factor in winning a cricket match, but more on that later.

The lovely woodland surroundings of Outwood was the latest destination for the Woodpeckers on a blustery but warming day in mid July. A young peckers team took the licence to gather at the nearby Bell Inn for some pre-match pints and lunch.

They were surrounded by some older warmth from Kwakka, Pirate and the skipper. who won the toss and decided to bat, mainly due to the full bellies and long batting line-up.The pitch was a green one, following the previous night’s downpours.

In front of the live tv cameras, Pirate, with mother and daughter Pirate in the stands, and Moley strode out to the middle in anticipation it wouldn’t be very long before we were striding back. The 3 father and son combo’s for Outwood took to the field and the opening bowlers soon found a good length and some real bounce, swing and seam. However the anchor was laid with a solid 60 opening partnership, albeit in 12 overs, to enable the latter hitters in the team to really have a go, when the buffet came on.

It has to be said the Mole was dropped 4 times by the Outwood fielders, and should have been run out, all whilst still in single figures, and that very much set the tone for the day ahead. He of course went on to make a dazzling 82 off 76 balls, (NB 4 of those were actually Pirate’s runs). Pirate ran himself out when tired but well set, Kwakka missed a straight one and the loud and boisterous Traas came out to join Moley. Trash went on the attack from the off, post a possible run out that skipper decided was too close to call. Once Moley finally got one that the Outwood team did manage to hold on to, Pippin came in to play a great cameo, and some real good, run a ball batting helped Trash go even harder, smashing 4 sixes into the woodland. Leading to another 82 and a red inker off just 58 balls.

Greasy spent 45 minutes in the nets warming up and joined Trash for a final over slog, only to be out 2nd ball, and bring about the start of a sulky day for the soon to be groom!

A well made, 241 for 7 off 35 overs, felt a good but maybe only par score on an improving wicket and small ground.

Tea was taken, whilst watching the tennis and catching up with Kamikaze, who by now was on his 8th pint of the day, and still in his Somerset gear, fresh from a 7 in a room night in Brum at the famous Travelodge de Maison, post Blast finals day. This was only the start of the Kamikaze rampage on the bar at Outwood, where he provided entertainment for all throughout the afternoon as he closed out on 20 pints for the day!

The Outwood innings started with Spinach coming in hard and fast. The skipper decided an extra slip was needed, and very next ball Spinach found the edge of opening batter Sherwin-Smith and the Cat clutched on to it at 2nd slip. Trash was in total disbelief, rolling around, not sure if the captaincy was majestic or the catch was unbelievable….and yet more magic was to follow.

Greasy opened up at the other end, and he soon found his full on grumpy, as he could not find any consistency. He therefore went to bazball bouncers, and the batsman couldn’t resist, and up it went, and up some more and then up some more….underneath it, the Skipper…..(gulp)…moving to his right he steadied himself, fingers down, then up, then down and then up again….it landed right in the heart of his hands and down “he” went, but with ball clutched safely….a blinder!

But it got better, some 5 or so overs later, and with the Williams now well set on 12 and starting to play some shots, he decided the cover boundary was his for the taking. A thumping drive to the left of Kwakka. Everyone was looking in disbelief as Kwakka dived full length to take the best catch of the lot! The crowd and players went wild…what had we seen, three great catchers in succession for the Peckers, and not a drop in sight! .

We would have thought Greasy would have been happy with his 2 fer, but he then moped around the field for 15 overs letting through 4 or 5 easy stops that went to the boundary and allowing the Outwood team to slowly get back in the game. It became contagious, with Spinach and Trash also guilty of some poor ground fielding and an easy drop from Trash, stopping Millhouse from getting his maiden Peckers wicket! Millhouse did manage his own blinding catch diving at square leg

Young Williams was still at the crease for Outwood, and whilst Lamby was keeping an end quiet and picking up 2 good wickets, the Peckers were never quite confident of getting the game done whilst he was still out there.

Trash was brought back on and Pobsy plucked another one out of the sky, Williams gutted that he hadn’t played the winning innings in making 77.

Cat came on to clean up the tail, with his off spinning medium pace half trackers, and we were on the verge.  But as is often the case with the Peckers, we had to add some drama. Kamikaze, now 18 pints deep and providing much entertainment to the Outwood crowd, was heckling from the sidelines, and the ground fielding fell apart. The last pair running easy singles, picking up two’s from over throws and Pobsy losing it as we gifted them easy runs. From 177 for 9 to 219 for 9 and only 23 needed off the last 2 overs, so Skip threw the ball to Greasy to see if he had one last hurrah in him as a single man.

He slung one down the leg side, and the Outwood skipper flicked it to Moley and walked!

A win for the Peckers by 22 runs. Kamikaze danced and sang, and downed pint 20. Greasy and his merry gang could go to the wedding on the back of a Woodpecker win, and we could really say that catches win matches! However there is no proof of 2 of the blinders as the camera angle wasn’t wide enough…so you’ll just have to believe us! Best of wishes to Greasy, for his wedding day, from all of the Peckers! Go Well!

https://outwoodcc.play-cricket.com/website/results/5949600

You can view the scorecard and video highlights here x

Kew

Things go askew at Kew as the Peckers’ run finally comes an end.

A decent descent of Woodpeckers.

This fated Sunday was the day of England’s Ashes survival bid. It was also the Peckers’ opportunity to venture farther into cricketing Elysium and extend their mythical run of 10 consecutive wins to 11.

Whilst the former’s stage was set upon the miracle inducing Headingly, the Pecker’s dance with destiny was situated on the historical leafy green of Kew to a crowd of their own. A large cohort made up predominantly of The Cat and Merry’s university friends set up camp under the wise old oak tree that shoulders the pavilion.

As Peckers amassed, pregame refreshments of Cobra were taken, although the acrid taste left in one’s mouth quickly forced a change of tipple. As the congregation grew more numerous, Kapitän Pobsy embarked off to the square to conduct the toss and to the anguish of many, “practice his Tamil”.

With the toss lost, the day’s descent of Peckers took to the verdant outfield. Groundskeeper was charged with starting proceedings and did so with uncharacteristic erraticism. Whilst the start of his spell unsettled a scurrying Mole behind the stumps, he quickly found his rhythm and began to unsettled the Kew batsmen. With 2 wickets to his name, he was denied a third by the lack of Ultra-Edge. With the oh so topical Spirit of Cricket seemingly abandoning the young batsman, one can only assume he left his cork hat and didgeridoo back in the dressing room.

Greasy bowled very well but lucklessly from the other end and some dedicated fielding kept the run rate down, with Groundskeeper charging through the Clubhouse fence in an unsuccessful bid to deny a rare Kew boundary. The Publican concluded his spell without the present of a wicket on his 30th birthday.

The St Philips boys try their hands at fencing.

Traas entered the attack, and true to nature kept the run rate minor, getting the ball to talk in ways that would haunt the average male BBC television presenter. An opening wicket maiden followed by another to maidens was his lot and our Prince Andrew was hauled off by Patrick for reasons known only unto himself. Runky took a 2nd wicket leaving Kew on 60-5 after 19 overs. Traash was unplayable, and we had a large crowd coming to enjoy the spectacle. We could either bowl them out for 100 and win early and easily or give them a chance to score a total that would be fun to chase, and something to watch for the large crowd. A close game has eluded us for a while and is more fun for everyone, particularly our hosts.

Chefrey gladly replaced his Island Amigo with one eye firmly on the season top wicket tally. From the other end, the heart-warmingly familiar sight of a bronzed Neil Runkel launching leather out of the eyeline of the impatient young batsman. Runky looked like he had never left, striking with 4th delivery and shortly afterwards being drop by he who shall not be named.

With 2 spinners on, the Kew middle order picked up the pace, with 6 & 7 putting on a collective 95 runs as a litany of half chances were spurned, mainly by Cat at slip. Debutant twinkle starred as he made the breakthrough that had eluded the Peckers for so long.

With Kew’s innings in twilight, up in Leeds so too was England’s. With streams in hand for both umpires, Pecker after Pecker abandoned their post in order to loiter over their shoulders. The Cat closed out the innings with some quick (over rate) bowling and his last ball signalled a stampede to the pavilion to catch the match winning moment on the big screen. Kew finishing on 162/9.

Tea triumphed with a breadth of sandwich options spanning from creamy Prawn Mayo to peppery Chicken Salad. With everyone staying well clear of the cursed Cobra, Snax, Horse and Gigi appeared as Pobsy familiarised himself with the group of high-spirited supporters under the old oak.

With tea consumed, Pirate and The Cat headed to the crease and took their marks. The Cat, naturally eager to return to the picnic, was dismissed without score. This heralded The Mole who proved a far more reliable foil to our Corsair as the pair built a solid foundation before Pirate’s timbers were shivered. Jolly Roger gone for 20.

As Merry took to the crease he vowed to better The Cat and he did so, taking a quick single before being returned to the consoling arms of girlfriend Fröhlich. Traas was the last to defend the trio’s cricketing credibility in front of an expecting crowd, but he too fell for a disgracefully meagre 6.

Merry's average of under 2 earns him the Armband of Shame as Fröhlich turns to drink

With Peckers in peril, birthday boy Greasy played with a seldom seen sensibility and began to take the fight back to Kew. The Mole was playing with aplomb, but a combination of canny bowling and quick glovework was his undoing, forcing his departure for a well made 33.

Presumably Merry failed to consider the difference in stature between himself and the Publican when considering an LBW appeal, as he raised his finger to a give an aghast Greasy his marching orders.

The St Philips School duo of Groundskeeper and Twinkle tried to instil some discipline into the tail but were unable to earn any gold stars, leaving Patrick the opportunity to emulate Ben Stokes and produce a match saving captain’s innings.

By this point, Darling Runky had grown so despondent at the state of affairs that he stood up, redressed, and headed to the car park to fetch his batting gear.

You're not in Madeira now darling. x

Upon the Baron’s return, the wicket of Pobsy fell and he ventured out to make the last stand with Chefrey, ready to knock off the last 30 runs to secure the most improbable win in recent memory. Lamentably, there were to be no heroics and “why don’t any of you ever bloody hang around with me?” were the consoling words delivered to Chefrey immediately on the fall of his wicket.

Whilst the result and performance were ones to quickly forget, the day itself was a thoroughly enjoyable one to player and Pecker partisan alike as many beverages were enjoyed late into the balmy evening sunshine. Supporters Gecko and Shuffler, perhaps sensing there may be a few places up for grabs, honed their skills as light faded on another day that further enchanted all in attendance’s adoration with village cricket and our wonderful little cricket club.

Peckers up, The Cat. x

Woodpecker Ashes

The Woodpeckers last played their own version of the Ashes in 2015, and the England team were looking to avenge the recent defeat at Edgbaston by laying down the gauntlet to our Australian Singapore cousins, some of whom had travelled over to celebrate the iconic sporting rivalry between two old foes at a evening T20 fixture arranged on the eve of the Lords test.  This game was always going to be about pride and passion, but also about rekindled friendships forged on cricket fields two decades ago, and now separated by great oceans.  

The Singapore branch of the Woodpeckers was founded in 2013 by Mark Prendiville (Prendi) who first played for the Peckers in 1999, being an acquaintance of Potty and Paul Kestel. The shared love of cricket has always been the bond between players of different nationalities, but when you throw in the spirit of our great club into the mix, the result is that an official request to form Woodpeckers Singapore CC was approved in 2013, and comprises mainly expat Aussie bankers who fly in the likes of Langer and Kasporowicz for their East/West coast battles. Pobsy had tried about 30 grounds to find a venue, so a month ago after a night out with Langer and Hayden sent a new email with the headline ‘Celebrity Match’ and finally got some interest from Venues.

Here’s the Aussies many wearing the Cream , the off-white, the beige the Ivory and the Bone. Chef was absent as adjusting his hair hat in the changing rooms

The game would be a T20 format at the bewitchingly beautiful Teddington CC(previous members included Runky, Otto and Muttley) in Bushy Park, on a midsummers evening pregnant with heavy set clouds that would surely help the seamers (oh, but for that shoulder injury, cries this correspondent…). The opposition were Aussies to the man, and included two turn-coats for the night, Cheffrey Epstein (yes Chef, get used to that one), and Tiddles, and the Aussies arrived at the ground to familiar surroundings as it appeared to be ringed by high security prison style fencing.  Banter would commence from 4.15 as the two teams gradually trickled in to enjoy the delightful bar and aspect of the ground set in ancient royal hunting grounds.The Aussie captaincy was handed to Spac, an Australian relocated to the Cheddar Gorge, but did he get caught in a mousetrap when POBsy won the toss and elected to bat at 5.30 in ever decreasing twilight….The absence of Runky(standard) and Buttery Spinach meant I had no real option to bat as time was of the essence. The English openers, Tris and Muttley, were positive from the start, and we had the added treat of Tris Sheehan facing his son Hunter for the 1st time in a competitive match.

Umpire Snax prepares to get play under way

Tiddles bowled his usual full accurate medium pace and Tris went for his ‘usual’ flowing straight drive and got cleaned up., Henners (20) joined the fray, and showed his class in difficult conditions before being undone by the size of the mid-on boundary, and holding out to a great catch by “Tash of the day”. The Aussie captain Spac continued to taunt the English batsmen on their watchful run rate … “singles don’t win games”, “they can have those all day”… and with only 2 wickets down, Greasy ( surely a TinTin lookalike with that increasingly solitary shock of blond curl emanating form his otherwise smooth forehead) and Muttley(24) lifted the run rate to around 7.5 an over. The partnership was broken but Motty kept up the momentum in an increasingly professional looking performance that is defining this Woodpecker season. Prendi came on to reassert some control and take two wickets, allowing everyone to saviour the strange cricketing phenomenon that is Potty, who was joined by the ever dependable POBsy (12 not out), and we ended up posting a respectable 136-9, in light that was already worse than the infamous test match at Karachi in 2000.

 A brief turnaround was executed and the Aussie opening pair of Allen and Hunter  (Tris’s son),  were kept honest by a magnificent line and length by Motty (2 maiden overs ), and Spinach, and although there was no early breakthrough, it became apparent that score board pressure would begin to tell. Mottos fielding run out drew first blood, bringing in the Pallent father and son combination which provided some entertaining overs, until Butters dislodged them. Muttley, behind wicket, couldn’t resist repeating the sledge that he was greeted with earlier…”you don’t win anything with singles”‘ and the pressure built like a TIBETAN rice cooker. Greasy, Butters and Bomber all bowled well and kept the pressure up, as did some excellent fielding. One comedic moment as Snax who was having a torrid time at third man tried to under-arm a ball in from the boundary, only to throw it backwards over his head .The target always looked somewhat out of reach, barring the introduction of a late buffet trolley… Chef was heard calling out from Traitors gate on the boundary “Bring on Snax!” but it would be Potty that would deliver an evening  Smorgasboard of Beamers, and he did his best to keep things closer than they should have been… never has this correspondent seen a bowler call for his own waist high no balls to the scorer.  Henners and Otto were selected to bowl the death overs when the RRR was reaching over 20 by the last over. A hard fought victory was sealed and the Pecker Ashes retained. This extended the incredible winning run of the UK Peckers to 10 victories in a row!.

Two Teams of Woodpeckers celebrate a great occasion

Spectators (Sous-Chef and Tris’s sister) and players were then treated to a sumptuous BBQ of burgers and hotdogs, with plentiful condiments and salads, that were ravenously enjoyed by all with a cold one or two. And speeches were made by POB and Prendi (13 mins, 43 secs)… and thanks were given for a wonderful occasion, and gripping sporting encounter, and a further indication that the England Peckers are made of stern stuff. We all thanked Pobsy for arranging the game which he spent so much effort organising, and Prendi for his generosity but most of all we thanked Cricket… for making it such a beautiful game that brings beautiful people together on a mid-summers evening on an ancient royal hunting ground in West London. Thank you Cricket 🙏

The Triumphant UK Peckers celebrate 10 in a row

Captains, Men of the Match and Potty celebrate by downing delicious Rjoja

As the evening drew in,we were treated to the magnificent spectacle of the the Deer coming to graze on the hallowed turf

Withyham

And so the Woodpeckers and their win streak – 9 on the trot and counting – found themselves traipsing down to East Sussex and the bucolic village of Withyham, whose cricket club lies nestled in the verdant acres of the Earl de la Warr’s estate. “Don’t park on the grass, for god’s sake” exclaimed one local club member, “or her Ladyship will write us a letter.” They take their verges seriously in this part of the world. 

But first the traditional pre-match Harvey’s in the Dorset Arms, where Pecker parking threatened no verges, although Traas, full of the hubris of sobriety and unsure of how to drive on a full night’s sleep, definitely didn’t ding a rather expensive looking Range Rover. He spent the next half hour avoiding the rather litigious looking owner’s gaze, while his teammates got stuck into four rounds of Sussex Best. Traditional introductions ensued, with Cat almost falling over in bewilderment upon local specialist George Rook’s greeting of “Hi, I’m fancypants.” The Peckers seemed in fine fettle, with their more bacchanalian tendencies curbed in preparation for a trip to Edgbaston on Monday followed by the Glastonbury Festival. POB, having agreed to accompany the most debaucherous section of the Pecker roster to the test, was already questioning his life choices of agreeing to a curry and 9pm train after sitting next to the likes of Cat all day.

To the cricket, then. With POB’s keen eye on the weather radar (“we’ll be fine until 5, lads”) an abridged 25-25 format was agreed. This was a poignant day for Withyham CC: the first of what is hoped to be an annual game in memory of one of their players, Tom Saxty, who sadly passed away. Having grown up one village over from Withyham, and being of the same age, I played against - and occasionally with - Tom in my teenage years, and apart from him being a very useful seam bowler, I was always struck by both his humour and enthusiasm. He was a man who played cricket in the very best sort of ‘right way,’ and is no doubt sorely missed. He made his adult debut for the Woodpeckers under POB’s captaincy, and with this in mind the memorial match was set in motion.

POB, having won the toss, sent the opposition in, with Groundskeeper and Deggsy given the opportunity to take the new pill. POB had recently picked up a box of quality balls on the cheap, and the seam was reminiscent of a small mountain range in Tibet. With drizzle already in the air (5pm, right POB?), Groundskeeper immediately hit his straps, and was rewarded by a run-out-cum-stumped-by-gully as Cat spotted Bowen out of his crease and flicked the stumps down, the opener trudging off for a duck. At the other end, Deggsy (0/25) employed what could only be described as ‘mystery seam.’ ‘Will this one come from the elbow or the shoulder?’ wondered the batsmen; neither, it often turned out. With Pecker fielding at a high(ish) standard, no better evidenced by Merry having to depart the field with a bent ring (on his finger), the pressure was on Withyham, and Groundskeeper (1/10) found his aggressive line and length rewarded as Hodges edged through to keeper Moleman for 5. Moley kept marvelously, with his legside footwork tested throughout the innings by all bowlers.

Two teams assembled to honour a great lad Tom Saxty

Cannon, lurking at first slip after refusing to budge for all and sundry, was clearly looking to impress fiancée Rodders (on her competitive peckerette debut) and - despite Pirate’s rather distracting musings on canine sexuality emanating from second slip – managed to snag a couple of catches (his fiancée, of course, missing both of them). The first he plucked off his shins from an edge off Fancypants who bowled with vim, vigour, and jagged movement (1/26). The second was clasped over his right shoulder off a flying drive played to Greasy, whose pace, coupled with the increasingly erratic bounce, was proving troublesome in his first spell (2/11, to be spoiled by an over at the death). Fancypants and Greasy had blown through the Withyham middle order, with Whitehead (24), Johnston (7), and Berry (2) all back in the pavilion. 

The Woodpeckers, with the opposition flailing at 53/5, were very much in the ascendency, but then came the rain. Not the aforementioned drizzle, that had been just about manageable, but the sort of rain that makes one pine for a log fire and a bottle of good claret. With an early break taken, Withyham played their trump card: food. So much food. The tea spread was akin to one of POB’s end of season speeches – just when you thought you’d reached the end, you realised you were only halfway through. Sandwiches galore, more cake than a hungry Cat could eat in a year, and a second whole table replete with full cheese board. A monumental feast, and quite possibly the reason for the drastic shift in momentum when the heavens downgraded their downpour to a light sprinkle. There was a brilliant turn out from Withyham to honour their beloved Tom Saxty.

Otto helps Bonnotty Boo shelter from the rain -whilst Greasy thinks ‘Oh lord that could be me soon’

With the Woodpeckers back in the field, and carrying a cumulative extra six or seven stone, Wilkin (29) and Hancock (41) rapidly went up through the gears, with the Peckers and their mightily full bellies unable to keep pace. Traas, having served up exactly what he accused three other bowlers of doing (“pure dross”) purchased Wilkin’s wicket, and Cannon, volunteering himself for death duties, picked up Hancock as he edged a half tracker through to Moleman. The Withyham innings closed on 138/7, with a sparkling cameo from 13 year old Tully (16*). In brighter climates that would have been well below par, but with an outfield that made crisply struck drives look like they were stuck behind a Just Stop Oil march, and a wicket as variable as Prince Harry’s recollection, it would prove a tall order to beat.

 Or at least it would have proved a tall order. As it was, POB’s 5pm wall of water arrived, with the Woodpeckers limping to 9/1 off four overs before proceedings were halted for good, but not before Cat got lidded by the 13 year old Tully, much to the amusement of both his batting partner and the umpire.

So there we have it; the game abandoned, the win streak still intact. The Woodpeckers, and “POBball”, march on to the glorious settings of well-heeled Blackheath, where there is an equally well-stocked bar. Let’s hope for Traas’s sake he has a late night on Saturday: his insurance might not cover a Ferrari.

Chiddingfold

William Arthur Ward (Like an old-school Tony Robbins) once stated: "Adversity causes some men to break: others to break records".

If The Peckers were to achieve their record 9th win on the bounce in the charming village of Chiddingfold, they would have to overcome the adversity of searing 28-degree heat, 2 x wedding hangovers, a tropical storm, a 9am finish and a Snax shoulder injury.

On any typical day, these would have been the excuses to justify a performance, but this was no ordinary day and no regular venue. Aside from being the quintessential village ground with oak framed pavilion and village fete down the road, Chiddingfold also invested in technology. The Frog Box is now a regular in our season, transmitting play from Spain to Sevenoaks and on to Singapore, at one point pulling in a global audience of 5. The frog box, the Zing wickets, and full light em-up capabilities would be deployed for this Sunday fixture. One thing that couldn't be deployed for this fixture was Snax's bowling; he rightly informed the Chiddingfold chairman that due to his shoulder injury, he would be playing as a batsman………at the time of that statement, he was batting at 10.

Somewhere in Dorset the night before

 So to the dice shake, which skipper Pobs won and elected to bat. Pobs perceived our batting lineup was solid, plus we only had 4 players at the start of play, so a good toss to win.

Merry and Kamikaze, "former School of Rugby pairing," now pairing to lead the Peckers out. Merry showing no signs of his 9 am finish, not externally, anyway. Kamikaze fresh from a 50 the previous day for Battersea Ironsides, Pobs's optimism was looking well placed. 

Chiddingfold was fielding a team of youth under the heat of the hottest days of the year, and they were about to feel the warmth of Kamikaze in full destructive mode. 2 years ago, Henners was responsible for damaging the adjacent Chiddingfold school roof; Kaze went a few tiles higher and destroyed several tiles more than H Bomb's previous 6. (Apparently, it costs the club a few £100 a year, the sound on the YouTube video is worth a watch). Whilst Kaze was racing to 40 off only 5 overs, the 9am finish and muggy conditions were getting to Merry; whilst his previous 3 nicks had gone for 4, one went to the keeper, caught behind for 10. This bought Kwakka to the crease and simultaneously Snax to umpire.

Chiddingfold's Captain Sol bowled his very 1st ball of his 1st over and wrapped Kamikaze on the pads; no sooner had they started their appeal before Snax had raised his finger; this was to be the 1st record of the day, the fastest decision, the fastest finger. Snax would umpire for 2 more overs, one at square leg narrowly missing death and a 7 ball over for good measure; his focus was clearly on batting.

The dismissal of Kamikaze had brought Henners to the crease; on his previous visit, he'd finished the game with a destructive 80; on this day, it looked even more damaging. Henners got to 50 in 16 balls, replacement balls needed to be found, 5 trips were made into the school and neighbouring cottages, the run rate was up around 10 per over, and quite the joy to watch from the non-striker's end. One other pleasure when batting with Henners is that you are likely to get a few of his runs added to your score; Kwakka would be the lucky eventual recipient of 10 of Henner's runs, so whilst he mistimed a pull to mid-on for 82, his actual score was 92 off 32 balls. That was one record that evaded us on this day, the fastest Pecker hundred.

Kwakka and Moley were now at the crease, and, whilst unable to maintain the 10 an over rate, a 9 per over was building an intimidating score for Child. Kwakka's early nurdling of the ball now evolves to more fluid shots before holing out to square leg for 78 (although on a count back and with video, it was 68)

Kwakka celebrates with the Mole whilst Chef-rey Epstein looks on

Mole and Grease are now at the crease with 243/3 on the board and 9 overs left; Moley starting to go through the gears into the 20s before trying to work one of the back feet lit up the zing stumps for the 1st time, bowled for 21. This brought Snax, "the batsman version", to the middle.

Snax prepares for the big knock with alfie

Greasy asked, "Is this the collapse?" a loud appeal for Snax 1st ball for caught behind, Kamikaze umpiring, and turned down the opportunity for revenge. Greasy next holed out to a "worldy" of a catch at deep square leg for 1; Snax would follow 3 balls later, lbw for 4, fingered by Walpole, and the collapse was very much on at 251/7.

The vegetable patch of Spinach and Butternut were now at the crease together, having endured a scorching and late finish at a wedding the night before and a scorching and long 2 1/2 hour drive up from Dorset; odds were that they'd suffer in the searing heat. Nothing of the sort, they set about slashing the Chiddingfold attack and running aggressively between the wickets.

A temporary break in proceedings for a tropical downpour meant they and all of us could enjoy a truly 1st class tea procured from the Crown Inn, Chiddingfold (a historic and beautiful pub). The coronation chicken sandwich being the benchmark of cricket tea evaluation was confirmed as being of the highest quality, as was the Victoria sponge (3 layers), which presented a test of discipline not to go for a 5th slice (Henners made it to 4). The picture may not do justice to this fine tea; it was a joy.

The senior Pros gave the tea a 5 stars!

When play resumed, 4 overs remained, Vegetable Patch replenished and refreshed, set about the Chiddingfold attack and muscled us to 283 into the last over before Butternut was run out for 9. Pobs saw out the final over with Spinach, who smashed an excellent 22 not out and protected his own red ink. Peckers finished 288/8 off 35 overs.  

Now was our turn to bowl and the start of an extraordinary session. Opening up from the top end was a peaky-looking Spinach who was not as regal as he usually appears after a batting stint and a heavy tea. In his 2nd over, with a score of 6, his appeal for lbw ( on one knee) was given. Just moments earlier, Pobs had switched out Merry for Kamikaze in the gully, quoting, "You're too short for gully". The next ball, a slash to gully, was pocketed by Kamikaze at chest height, diving to his left. Hatrick ball and the obligatory "all in" yielded an oooh but nothing more; the field now pushed back, Spinach dug in a half-tracker, halfway up the batsman's bat, Pobs scampers round, dives forward and snatches wicket 3 in the over for Spinach. Chiddingfold 6 for 3.

It was only one over later when Spinach's bowling leg stump yielded his 4th wicket, and the Zing stumps lit up. Meanwhile, at the other end, Greasy continued to bend his back with impressive pace and bounce and was rewarded with a wicket, caught by Butternut, Chiddingfold 14 for 5. At this point, Pobs started to contemplate an unthinkable record? "No dropped catches"

Before we could get too giddy, we would celebrate a well-deserved first, Spinach's 1st 5 for, final wicket, another lbw and figures of 5-10 off 4 overs. For those of us that have witnessed spinach slog away with sometimes little reward, this was a delight to behold, fast, straight and backed up by the field.

At 18/6 and chasing another 271 for the win, it was fair that Chiddingfold felt the game was slipping away from them; the change of bowling with Chef and Butternut gave little for Chiddingfold to capitalise on and in Butternuts, 2nd over a thick edge from the Chiddingfold captain gave a sharp chance at slip to Greasy…pocketed what a catch. Butternut followed up with an equal opportunity for Greasy next over, juggled and dropped on this occasion; the no dropped catches record will have to wait.

In the next over from the opposite end, Chef-frey Epstein looped one outside off stump, fine edge and flew to Kamikaze at slip, taken, extraordinary, Chiddingfold 31 for 8.

Once Butternut made the Zing stumps light up next over, Pobs shared that we looked suitable for another record: most significant margin of victory. Just one wicket to go, some fine batting from their young 11 saw out Butternuts' final over with a lusty 4, leaving Chef to take one final lbw and Chiddingfold all out for 39.

So there we had it, a record 9th win in a row. Also, a new record for the biggest margin of victory of 249 runs smashing the old record of 226 v Ripley in 2015. This clearly dwarfed the weekend's other achievements of Djokavic's 23rd grand slam victory and Manchester City's treble, we were led off the field by Spinach for a well-deserved Michelle, and we look forward to being led to Withyham next week with our own Pob Guardiola.

https://woodpeckers.play-cricket.com/website/results/5536176

Videos of all wickets and boundaries can be viewed here

Tilford

Following a dominant display the week before the Peckers jumped on their chariots and rode down to the idyllic Tilford Hippodrome set in the heart of Surrey. There was an extra air of excitement as the peckers were looking to set a new club record of 8 wins in a row. 

For the peckers who haven’t played at Tilford, there probably isn’t a cricket green elsewhere in the UK that sums up village cricket more poetically. The pitch is set on a triangular green with slopes either side of the wicket adjacent to the beautiful River Wey. Not forgetting the quintessential English pub, The Barley Mow, situated on the north side of the green serving great local ales and food.   

The Green itself is a desired destination for cyclists, motor clubs and the local travellers. Sunday afternoon the crowds were treated to some excellent cricket, but some also strange chariot racing (thankfully not on the pitch).

The full team was there for an early match libation

 Pobsy lost another toss, and The Peckers were put in to bat, and the Kamikaze and Cat strolled out to the middle in the opulent mid-day sun. Kamikaze struck early boundaries whilst the Cat now accustomed to his new opening role, took a bit more time. With the quick outfield and small boundaries any well placed shot would quickly scamper to the boundary. Kamikaze with his unorthodox stance but joyous technique was bowled for a quickfire 26. Pirate playing his 2nd game of the year started off quietly allowing Cat to take up the reins play some majestic shots for a big man.  

Pirrate called Cat for a quick single, but he was caught on the back paw and run-out for a furry 36. Pippin was dismissed early bringing Trash to the wicket. He was miraculously in bed by 2am the night prior. Our very own Bazball devotee, he quickly looked to score runs off every ball, and was quickly in the swing of things by knocking the Tilford bowlers to all three corners of the ground.For the next 15 overs the theme continued, consistently grooming the bowlers to all parts of the shire. He eventually fell to an excellent catch on the boundary by Ramekin for a fantastic 118 which was also his maiden peckers ton, probably off about 70 balls.

A delighted Traash

 Groundskeeper who came in after Potty’s departure provided a lovely late flurry with 31, and was nicely supported by the skipper. A final score of 280 from 35 overs was posted, daunting but gettable with the short boundaries, lightning outfield and great deck.

Snax triumphant after an invaluable 1*

We were delighted to be joined by a large Pecker support team at tea, Horse, GG, foals and parentals, Otto, Gemotty and Bonotty Boo, Kwakka, John Campbell, Paul Potter and Anty(Pob’s God-Daughter) Tea was an assortment of delicious sandwiches, cakes and hot sausages, washed down with some delicious local Ales.  

Groundskeeper and Spinach were provided the cherry after Tea. The saying ‘you are only as good as your last performance’ was evident when Trass (at Gully) dropped the opening bat on the first ball. However, Darling like any good bowler provided a moment of magic with a sumptuous caught and bowled, which was quickly followed by another leaving Tilford 14-2 (the record looked on). Spinach at the other end was bowling one of his finest ever spells, with a combination of pace, line and length. He was unlucky to go wicketless with one double drop from Kamikaze and the Mannequin. 

Mannequin following seven wickets the week before was unable to run through them but continued the excellent economy and the run rate required climbed to double figures. Chef rustled up some special sauce in his last over to snaffle a brace 2-24.  

At the beginning it was agreed everyone had to bowl apart from one medical exemption, this week it was Snax due to a TRICEP strain. So next change was Pippin, I bowled some slow pace, which can only be described as much better than my spin – no further comment. 

Pobsy was able to encourage Spinners to try and open the game up and the Cat showed some feline prowess but was not supported by Traash at 1st slip

 Luckily in the next over Traash was replaced by Pippin at Slip. All this brilliantly captured by our ace camera-man the Old Horse.

Following a flurry of runs at the end by Wrenn-sleydale (Tilfords captain) and a 50 for JB, the game was up and The Peckers victorious by 101 runs. This brought up the record-breaking 8th win in a row, a massive achievement for our great club. There is no finer place to achieve this and we celebrated in front of the Barley Mow and shared ales and awards with our Tilford Friends

A massive thanks to all of you who’ve contributed to making this happen, and had such fun doing it. Next week we are live on Youtube at Chiddingfold going for number 9!

Philip Trash gets the Jug in!

Ham and Petersham

 The fixture at Ham and Petersham took on a significance unrivaled in the history of Woodpeckers CC as the game WhatsApp chat revealed that the Peckers were aiming for a record seven wins in a row, a record 5 wins to start a season, and, fittingly, seven would feature prominently in what the Fates had in store for us on a sunny bank holiday afternoon on Ham Common. 

As custodian of pecker history, Captain POBsy had thrown down the challenge at the start of the week to continue our epoch-making a run. Still, an SOS highlighted the need for a batsman to complete the team sheet. Muttley answered the call- but like 4 other players that day, he hadn’t held a bat for 8 months, leading to an unprecedented demand for a pre-match net to prepare .

Muttley 1st in for Nets

The team vying for immortality woke up on May 28th with a mission, a day shared in history as the day when Sir Jack Hobbs played his final innings to notch up a world record of 199 first-class centuries… (was this an omen?) and after losing the toss, we were inserted on a track that would have a decent amount of bounce that kept things interesting… 

Pirrate and Muttley strode to the crease with purpose, and the opening bowlers looked rather rusty in line and length, which allowed us to get off to a brisk start before Pirate was caught out after playing a shot that was in keeping with his lack of match practice. Muttley, now settled, imparted confidence to the incoming Pippin, who notched up a comfortable 21 before falling to an lbw shout that this square leg umpire reckoned was a fraction high. Both had fallen to Hare.  

Borgav entered proceedings, also marking his season debut. As a Pecker dynasty royalty, he was absolutely thrilled to rejoin the fray and give his dad, Life President, an extra reason to read the match report. Then the Peckers pair started to enjoy themselves, recording a monumental partnership of 163 that took the score from 57-2 to 220. Waiting for the several poor deliveries served up per over, they punished the middle over bowlers.

A collective feeling of relief at the state of the game at this stage was palpable among the throng of peckers, peckerettes, and family who had come to bear witness to this day. This included the families of Muttley, Tiddles and two debutante peckerettes courtesy of Novichok. The latter comprised a most delightful sister and girlfriend combination who generously came furnished with a well-stocked mobile bar and confectionery stall that proved sufficiently distracting to this correspondent that he was hardly noticing the batting prowess being displayed and hadn’t fully appreciated the contribution of Borgav who had plundered 94 before holding out to a decent catch by Hanif before reaching his hundred.

Snax being distracted by the new Pecker fan club

 Other batsmen came and went quickly (three other season debutants), falling victim to a much-improved bowling combination that seemed to magically surface to upset their hopes for a claim to a  contribution on this day. 

POBsy joined Muttley, and the pair embarked on a confident batting display that took Muttley to three figures, the second ton of his career,much to the joy of a  welcoming crowd and adoring family. Is there a Pecker who is a nicer guy than Muttley? Well, this correspondent doesn't think so. He would be feted for the rest of the day, with space on the pedestal of glory for one other… another hero armed not with the willow but the ball…

Young Harry is particularly delighted by Dad’s ton

Tea was taken at the nearby New Inn and comprised a lovely chicken pesto pasta salad, assorted pies, sausage rolls, and cheese and pickle sandwiches. Only soft drinks and teas were imbibed. The record was not yet in the bag, and this was not a time to start celebrating, but to enjoy our position of strength quietly and assuredly- Keep Calm and Carry On.  

Ham and Petersham started their reply reasonably, though they never kept up with an alarming  RRPO of 7.6. Groundskeeper opened with Tiddles, and both bowled accurately and with control, and Tiddles was unlucky not to open his tally after a couple of missed chances. Groundskeeper drew first blood after clean-bowling Rahat. The game was drifting at this point, and only the enthusiastic support from Toria and Freya (aka Crystal Tipps and Alistair) kept us going.

Enter Chef…. who was hoping for redemption . A year ago Ham had been his return to the Peckers after 20 years living overseas. He had steamed in off the long run trying to impress the youngsters and tore a HAM-string. He returned a month later as a spinner with a remodeled action. He took wickets in each of his three overs, the 1st caught behind down the leg-side beautifully by Pippin. In his fourth over he found himself on a hat-trick

Chef on a hat-trick

Coming off a run-up that could never quite relinquish his previous paceman incarnation,he has become expert at disguising different incoming velocities….part off-spinner, part medium pacer, delivering from a high arm position to hurry a batsman at all times .Chef ended up with the incredible figures of 8 overs, 7-21. The feat of taking 7 wickets is so rare that it hasn’t been achieved since 2001. By an incredible coincidence, the last two Peckers to achieve this feat were both in the team - Gav 7-33 in 2001 and Pobsy 7-32 at Tadworth in 1989.

Only Hanif (29) and Brady (22) provided any defense. Proceedings were ended by a catch by a flawless Muttley before the team took photos in the dappled sunshine to mark the new chapter in Pecker history and an outstanding achievement under POBsy’s tenure as captain.

Chef ‘Warne’

L_R from back Smeagol, Novichok, Chef, Pobsy, Cannon, Muttley, Borgav, Pirrate, Pippin, Freya, Tiddles, Toria, Snax

Both teams retired to the New Inn, and drinks were taken late into the evening, with thanks given for the opportunity to spend the day together and celebrate friendship and team spirit. Stories were recanted, the new peckerettes were treated to the Full Elton, and jug avoidance by Borgav was duly noted by Chef and Muttley, who kindly kept whistles wet…

Borgav (94) Jug Avoidance

 After the New Inn, a party of revelers continued to Groundskeepers uncle and aunt's home on the banks of the Thames near HAMPTON court, where a pizza party of sorts continued into the wee hours… We were joyously reflecting on the Magnificent 7 -Chef taking a 7 for, to seal a 7 match winning run.

The season takes us next to the historic Tilford, where the Peckers will look to write a new chapter in its history….an unprecedented 8 wins in a row.

Dunsfold

Our fourth game of this season saw the Peckers make their way down to the delightful village of Dunsfold, situated in the picturesque Surrey countryside. Dunsfold is a village steeped in history and beauty. It dates back to the 13th Century, during which time it has been host to the pilgrimage sight of a Holy Well. It had also been the home of the Top Gear racetrack for many years (repurposed from a second world war Canadian Aerodrome). Oh, and Potty used to live there as well, so a settlement full of history and big names! We also held our 1st ever peckers V Peckers there some 15 years ago.

As the morning introduced another Sunday fixture, many Peckers, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, made their own pilgrimage to the holy well of The Sun, where customary pre-match ales of Surry Hills were consumed along with a round of infamous roast beef sandwiches. However, a second, rather less fresh trio of Peckers regretfully did not make this pre-match feast, namely due to a weekend of stagging down in Bracklesham Bay in lieu of Greasy’s upcoming betrothal. Alas, somehow, all made it to the pitch on time and to the relief of a few, POB lost the toss the Peckers were batting!

Spinach enjoying the Surry Hills and Roast Beef Sandwiches!

The wicket was unbelievably slow and sticky. A week prior to the fixture saw the square underwater, so from one groundsman to another I say bravo in getting the pitch ready for what was to be Dunsfold’s first match of the season. Cat and Kamikaze trotted out first.

Cat, who was undoubtedly still digesting a couple of pounds of Bavette and a third of an Imperial bottle of 2012 Patris-Querre, Saint-Emilion, Grand Cru from the stag weekend, was triggered by Cyoungy for an LBW for 1. When asked about the dismissal, Cyoungy simply said, “I didn’t know what I’d tell the bowler if he asked why it wasn’t given”.

Kamikaze, who had a decent knock and steadied the ship last week at the Hogs, struck a quick and fluent 14 before missing a straight one aand made way for Pippin and Henners who could step up and show their metal. This was Henner’s first game of the season, but as I am sure you are all expecting, one wouldn’t have known it as he began to tee off and cart the ball all over the pitch, producing a myriad of boundaries and an enormous 6, pulled into the trees beyond. Pippin meanwhile waited at the other end!

Alas, I do Pippin an injustice as he hit a healthy 29 and stuck with Henners when many of us couldn’t, but when you consider the pair's first 10 scoring shots one can’t help but laugh.

Dabell: 1,1,1,1,1,1,1,1,1,4

compared to

Walpole: 3,4,4,1,2,4,1,1,2,4                              

It was around this part of the innings that the bowling quality took a rather large turn for the worse. One poor chap was really struggling to work out the right time to let go of the ball and would seemingly decide that somewhere just below the Sieg Heil Salute was the most efficient time to do so, resulting in the ball often taking its first bounce only a couple of inches away from his own foot. This prompted our illustrious leader, currently umpiring, to ask on the 12th ball of the over: ‘is it a no ball, a dead ball or a wide? I need to check the rules.’ After a bit of reshuffling and clarification, the game moved on and eventually, Henners made way on 81.

The mood on the boundary was mixed. Pobs worried that Henners ‘brutish’ innings would put us out of favour with Dunsfold, GK Smeagol was focusing on breathing as stories of his antics from Greasy’s stag sent his anxiety into hyperdrive and Greasy wasn’t speaking unless to grumble or complain about something or other. However, there was a huge cause for celebration during this match as a momentous Peckers debut was made. Bonnie Rosina Grace Mott (Bonnotty Boo) made her first appearance to what we hope will be the first of many. Gemotty, Motty, Bonnie (nickname to come soon I am sure) and Harry kept the mood afloat. Bonnie, not making a squeak and Harry making a racket! We all know who the problem child is! That and a selection of fine cheeses, Bavette and Flowerpots ale, all left over from the stag, set the scene for the most wholesome and kindly first innings.

Welcome to the Peckers Bonnie!

Here we have Picos de Europa, Somerset Driftwood, Srärnächäs and Pont-L’Évêque. Kindly indeed!

Ello Harry!

Next in was Cyoungy and Greasy. Cyoungy had a rather large fan club of family and friends slowly assembling on the boundary and dug out 8 runs before being bowled and caught.(including his lovely Wife Lucy and son Luca also on debut) Greasy, still yet to smile at this point, added 7 runs to the score sheet and continued not to smile. The order from 7-11 was decided on a dice roll however the less said about the rest of the batting the better other than yours truly who needs some stick for a pitiful QUACK!In fact, batters 5 – 11 managed to hit 43 runs between them all, so as ever, the usual peckers collapse occurred in the finest of fashions!

Otto and Butternut batted out our remaining overs and despite our middle to lower-end order disintegration the Peckers managed to put 185 runs on the board in 35 overs which, considering the wicket, we thought was a decent, winnable score. Thanks should be given to Henners, Pippen, wides and no-balls for that!

Tea consisted of a good range of sandwiches and some rather delicious cakes. Kamikaze was heard to moan about the lack of crisps, but I expect the opposition thought we would be rather full up after our pre-tea snack of cheese and steak! It was safe to say we didn’t go hungry.

Fingering the sandwiches…

The Peckers were keen to get out in the field and crack on! Spinach and Motty opened the bowling in style and after 10 overs the pair had skittled 6 of their wickets each taking 3. Motty pulled up with a slight tweak in the groin area and rested in the slips for the remainder of the game. Spinach was also brought off as Skip worried for our opposition seeing their lack of remaining wickets and severe lack of runs. Spinach was rather disgruntled with this hoping he’d be able to have a crack at his first Michelle Pfeiffer for the Peckers. I can hear Barron Von Runkle telling him to leave some for the rest of us!

Cyoungy and Butternut took to the crease next, Cyoungy‘s support from the boundary seeming to grow with each over. Both bowled extremely economically but to no reward of a wicket, Cyoungy going for 0-3 from 3 overs and Butternut going for 0-1 from 3 overs. Cyoungy was unlucky not to get a wicket, but as the ball soared into the air, it was inevitably going for El Bombardier Pobsy who inevitably dropped it, albeit in a dramatic diving fashion.

Cyoungy with son Luca, Maggie the Cocker, Mr Burt and his three lovely daughters(inc Lucy Young left) and Jessie Meins a former GF of Windy there also to complete the lovely support crew

Skip had managed to stop the opposition from losing any more wickets but he still wanted to give them some runs. Pippin got the call-up along with GK Smeagol who was ordered to bowl loopy spin. Both bowlers gave them a handful of runs although GK was unlucky not to pick up more wickets as Spinach, obviously keen to come back on a have another go for his fifer, decided to drop two sitters in one over when GK had been kind enough to snaffle one for him. Thankfully Cyoungy gave GK some piece of mind as he held onto a ball fired right into his solar plexis.

Bagpuss and Greasy were next to bowl, both were also ordered to conduct their overs in slow orthodox spin. The Feline agreed and was rewarded with a wicket. Greasy, who still hadn’t smiled, was less agreeable and allowed his frustrations of the day to help bend his back. Pob had some words and decided that the publican was best placed elsewhere on the field and put himself on to bowl instead. We were expecting a flurry of his classic oral-b-beamers, when in fact he placed the ball rather well, although no wickets were to come. Finally, Spinach got the ball back and was told to clear up so we could all go for a jug and be home in time for the Antiques Road Show. He got one wicket but not the two he was hoping for - Karma if you ask me! Kamikaze, who had been keeping, passed the kit over to Cat and cleared up the last and final wicket of the day thanks to a quick slip catch from Otto, who also had the cock-cam on and ready for action (video below). Dunsfold were all out for 83.

After the customary team photos, the Horse and GG, who had come to support, produced a small barrel of TEA which was most appreciated, after which most of the Peckers wandered over to the Sun Inn where we were rewarded with jugs of Surry Hills, a platter of leftover Yorkshire Puds and gravy and an unexpected appearance from Potty. We are now 4 wins from 4 this season! Pobs informs me that this win apparently puts us on a run of 6 unbeaten games (including the 2 wins from the end of last season) and thus one win away from equalling our 7 win record set at HAC in 2021. I am further informed that 5 wins in a row at the start of a season has never happened before in the history of the club so there are records to be equalled and broken when we go to Ham and Petersham this weekend – We really need a RECOGNISED BATSMAN to help us break the records.

Hampshire Hogs

Prologue

For the most part, the Woodpeckers season has followed the trajectory of the game globally - less long form, more short form. What was until just five years ago a declaration cricket dominated diary, is now mostly 35 or 40 over games where a result is guaranteed. For good or ill this is our new reality. Yes there are fewer painful draws where some obdurate old swine steals precious drinking time from us. But with the guaranteed result it’s hard not to feel that something has been lost. Well whatever that something is, you can find it at the bottom of the A3, nestled in the Meon Valley.

This was a journey that in this rain affected 2023 season, the Peckers were bringing a two-match unbeaten run. Having not even played at Hogs in three seasons (covid, rain, rain) or won at Hogs in six, we were keen to come back up the road with a win.

Car park with a view at Hogs.

fishing country

So it’s always a welcome relief when Hampshire Hogs hoves into view on the calendar. All the way down the A3, past Ripley, don’t stop at Brook, keep going through the Devil's Punchbowl and you emerge into the open fields of declaration cricket, stopping twice for lunch and tea, wondering who’s brought the port and how many overs that sadist Charlie Browne will make us field for (hi Charlie).

For once, the A3 is clear. It always is because we’re on it at 10am when everyone else is still in bed. The usual fishing begins via WhatsApp, trying to coax Patrick into a blind rage with claims of tailbacks at Tolworth and loo stops at Liss.

Fishing in the River Itchen.

Most of the Hogs reside in London but despite the distance by 10.30am there were enough of them for a net to be in full flow. Yours truly had one over to check I could remember how to bowl but the rest of the Peckers correctly opted for a swift pint to acclimatise. Theakston’s was on tap at £4 a pint, but not for long. The vendor management team hadn’t been made aware of our fixture and the bar was to run out of beer twice that day.

Hampshire Hogs CC at Warnford, glorious. Overcast.

tossers

The two Brownes, Patrick Owen- and Charlie, disappeared off for a while and came back agreed that it would be best if Patrick inserted. I shall leave that to your furtive imaginations to decide whether or not any actual tossing took place.

Pints were downed and being the first run out for many Peckers, whites were hoisted hopefully from the bottom of smelly kit bags. We were dragging our feet and by our umps for the day Malcolm and Graham were starting to understand what sort of day lay ahead for them. By 11.11 ex-drill sergeant Malcolm barked us into shape and a very youthful Peckers XI were ready to go.

Bowling

The wicket was soggy to say the least. And with overhead conditions favourite some schwing it was a joy to be bowling first. An incredibly youthful Peckers XI of eight 20 year olds with one of each from the three decades, chinned pints and took to the field.

I still rather enjoy opening the bowling but, much like an acceptance that one will never play the Dane, the day that I am just too slow or stiff or both will come. Given that I’m still walking like Tin Man on Thursday morning, suggests that it’s not long until a curtain will need to be erected around me at fine leg.

I’m always helped by some hungover youth thundering down the hill and today was Trash’s turn. With the sun bursting through the cloud and a definite dampness to the wicket we both felt like we’d be in the wickets and the Theakstons was only helping the confidence.

But not the run up, as it turned out. Both of us struggled to find our pace early on but so did the Hogs opening pair of Ollie Kelly and Jonny Graham, who showed us way more respect than we deserved to be honest. Graham got a fizzer from me and snicked off in the direction of Cat at first slip. He couldn’t have directed more directly at Cats paws as it disappeared into those feline mitts and stayed there, much to the surprise of the Peckers. There was much rejoicing.

Straight in.

This only brought Greg MacKenzie to the middle, who appeared to have somewhere else to be, smiting his second ball to the mid wicket boundary with a flourish that said “I’m way out of your league fellas”. And he was. Turns out he actually has a serious heart condition though so could only hit boundaries. We know how you feel.

Three or four more lusty blows later and we spread the field a bit. GK went out to cow corner and Cat moved from first to third and back again. Luckily for us Greg picked my slower ball and was halfway through smashing it into the English Channel when it also fizzed off the surface and caught an edge brilliantly bagged by a diving Moleman with the gloves. 34-2 and the Peckers had their Peckers up. Thanks probably to the early snatch from Cat, a median age of about 29 and the fact that the outfield would make the Crucible blush, our ground fielding was as good as it’s ever been. We looked proper, Guv.

You’re right to think that dear reader. Of course it didn’t last. A record breakingly long partnership of 132 runs in 261 balls and 161 minutes followed. Painful in a number of ways, but at least we got to stop for lunch halfway through.

Lunch

Lunch was a convivial affair. Hogs are operating a (hopefully, temporary) BYO lunch system (they still do tea) so we clubbed together and had a lovely time. Cats quail scotch eggs were a highlight, as was Crisp Mountain which we’re still getting through Chez Otto. We held back on the port and cheese board but had several pints of Theakstons, and only stopped because they ran out.

The snorefest continued after lunch. So we found our own fun. Mainly by bowling wides and laughing at Trash getting a succession of warnings from Malcolm for swearing, shit chat and overstepping the mark. Thankfully we had Lav (17-2-60-0) who bowled brilliantly from both ends and was incredibly unlucky not to pick up a wicket with his accurate off breaks. Good spells also from GK Darling and Cat for nought, but kept us tight and crucially in the game. We’ve lost a good number after lunch when their in batters go to town on our out bellies and full bladders.

Things only improved once Kelly got past 50 and proved to everyone (not least himself) that he could have been swinging hard from the off, clipping a few boundaries just like that.

What followed was a remarkable piece of gymnastics from debutant Fergus ’Goose’ Onslow out in the deep midwicket boundary. Running in to take a very difficult catch, he dived forward bravely to snatch it off the ground, missing it by a fingernail and almost braining himself in the process. The batsmen were just deciding on the second run at the just the wrong moment and time suddenly stopped. Fergus was the first to react, switching from all dead to only mostly dead, in one motion he swung is legs round picked up the ball and slung it at Moleman like some sort of hungover, three-wheeled Trebuchet. Kelly, still agog betwixt-wickets, was aeons out.

Trasshed stumps.

Things then started to happen. From 166-2 the Hogs frantically fell to 183-7 thanks to a superb second spell from Trash (who finished with an admirable 3-20 from 13 overs) and a direct hit run out from POB from mid on for the ages.

We’ve all seen one of these by now, he must have done it dozens of times, but it’s still my favourite thing to see on the Peckers cricket field. It was particularly amusing (and no doubt satisfying for POB) given his new round arm throwing technique had earned him the new nickname of the Bombardier. But the years fell away as Charlie Hicks pushed one in his general direction and chanced the odd arm at mid on. The rest was poetry.

The next two wickets were both pouched by Darling from Trash. Even Charlie Browne, the Warnford Sadist, thought making us field for more than 60 overs was a bit much. Hampshire Hogs declared at 183-7.

Myrtle cleaning up the tail.

Batting

Even by Peckers standards, this was a strong batting lineup. When you’ve got Lav at 7 and zero hangovers between Cat at 8, Darling at 9 and the old hands of POB-Otto at 10-11, what could possibly go wrong?

You’re right to think that dear reader. Of course, everything can wrong and quickly. Joey Paul, our second debutant for the day who’d fielded like a man who knew his way around a breezy 70 odd, was the first to fall - bowled by a ball from Will Jay at the bottom end who was making it sing (apparently). Dabbler was in at 3 and also got unlucky from another W Jay snorter. Moleman was next in, surely the POTY curse isn’t a thing right? Sam will get some runs today! Playing on from a wide long hop is exactly what the curse is all about. 27-3 and the inevitable chaos of pads flying everywhere Peckers collapse had begun.

In strode Trash, on his seventh (or eighth) warning from Malcolm, with POB’s “bat sensibly” order ringing in his ears. I was too busy finding my pads (potentially batting in 6 balls’ time) to see the first couple of inevitable and enormous swipes. But he did get his head down, and with Kamikaze up at the other end looking fluid and assured they built a partnership that started to swing things back our way. More ebbs and flows.

So confident we became, that seven of us set off anticlockwise (for runs) with fresh pints. We won’t mention the boules score but as we traversed, Kamikaze and Traash put on runs quickly and fluently. 

By the time Kamikaze snicked off for a potentially match-winning 62 off 88 we were 115-4 and just 70 runs from a famous victory. Can you guess what happened next?

“Give us a smile Kami”. Flappy pads optional.

This brought Fergus ‘Goose’ Onslow to the crease. After his rather unfortunate bowling experience we were all wishing him some luck with the bat, but it wasn’t to be. He had a Peckers collapse to organise, a ten ball over to avenge, a league cricket monkey on his back to murder, and a hangover to blame for it. He was swamped. His demise, after just four balls (you got a good one, do please come back Goose).

Coming in at 7 was Pob’s sensible insurance play, Lav. He got his head down to put on 20 with Traaash, who poised on 46 and itching to get past 50 and let the handbrake off, clubbed one firmly to Greg McKenzie at mid on. Greg’s serious heart condition means he has to sort of hop instead of run to save him from a critical increase. Seeing this opportunity Trash rather unsportingly set off back for a third as the ball had stopped just up the hill and Greg was still hopping gamely after it. He did however, have a laser for an arm, and a direct hit from 45 yards was all that they both deserved.

calypso collapso, part deux?

This brought a now rather timid Cat to the crease. He also got a good one and 155-7 meant the game was now even money again. More ebbs, more flows. More pints.

Charlie then decided to bring back his leg-spinner, to try and outfox the tail. But this tail was already attached to a fox, and that fox was called Benjamin Darling. A purposeful punch down the ground settled the nerves and between him and Lav (who’ll try and claim that this was all down to his reverse-mockers) another partnership formed of just 30 very crucial runs and we sashayed over the line with many many overs to spare. This made it a fantastic 3 wins from 3 games start for the Peckers…3 nail-biting wins by 3 runs, 3 wickets and 3 wickets again…so 3 is our magic number!

The Darling-Lav combo bringing us home.

~

Prologue.

We wouldn’t be here without the generosity of the now mythical beast Christopher Bazalgette, who died aged 84 earlier this year. His obituary and appearance as an unwitting cricket specialist on Borat are worth a look.

The Gette.

Otto met ‘the Gette’ sometime in 2009 or 2010 for a game at the nearby Bat & Ball pub in Hambledon. On hearing about the Peckers and seeing how enthusiastic we were for proper cricket and conviviality, he invited us to play at Hogs the following year.

We’ve been coming back to contest The Gette Cup, which hangs above the bar at Hogs, ever since. Nobody knows the score, and it doesn’t really matter. We’ll keep coming back.

Cheers Gette, rest in peace.

Otto with the Gette Cup, a cup of tea, and The Gette behind (with B-Ri and John).

Here you can see the Browne’s running the post-match presentation (once we’ve got it on YouTube).

The Peckers at Hogs, 2023.

All and sundry.

Tichbourne

“Good things come to those who wait” say the brewers of Guinness. And so it would be for those who made the journey down the A31 on this Coronation Sunday to be treated to an unlikely but excellent game of cricket. (via a delicious pint of the black stuff at Greasy landmark the Three Horseshoes in Bighton, just outside Alresford, book now – https://www.thethreehorseshoesbighton.co.uk/)  

The wet weather that has marked our spring has done for pitches and matches across King Charles’ realm over the past few weeks - we Peckers awoke to discover Tichborne’s ground had fared no better and was out of action.  But Greasy is not the man to take this kind of thing lying down and had already identified a hockey field with an artificial wicket in the middle of Winchester, most appropriately at King’s Comprehensive. He sent a video of the pitch. 

POBsy was persuaded, Tichborne were persuaded, less so Traash, who is absolutely the man to take this kind of thing lying down, preferably in his pit, grumbling to anyone who will listen. Invigorated by a couple of pints from the Horseshoes, 11 Peckers eventually convened at 1:30 for a Thirty:30, expectations low.

Changing conditions a bit tricky

Nonetheless the sun crept out and, as it began to burn off some of the standing water in the marshy outfield, a game of sorts began to emerge. Spinach and Greasy opened the bowling and Tichborne started confidently with some free hitting, particularly over Spinach’s head. A few weeks since a haircut, that’s no easy clearance, and they raced to 63-2 with Bristol scoring rapidly on his way to 42. This may have been fewer, had first slip Cat bagged a sharp chance off Greasy that ricocheted off his FUPA into the muddy turf. He redeemed himself soon after with a bullet from Deep Third Man for a brilliant run out. 

On first change, Horse and Butternut expended a great deal of energy getting to the wicket, but ultimately bowled tightly and brought the batsman a little closer to par. Butternut had a couple pouched, and one dropped when a rearing ball floated into the leg side. An epic attempt from the deep included a guttural howl, followed by an acrobatic collapse next to the plugged ball… Net result: a ginger Cat hobbling back to the boundary, two runs. 

There were no wickets for the luckless Horse: he managed to disrupt the flow of the intelligent and attractive play of Connell (37) who spooned one to Chef-Mannequin. His attempt at the catch came in 7 distinct positions but the ball came to rest on pasture. By the time Chef hit the BBQ, the floater had become “a fizzer”.

great effort by the Mannequin

Chef’s redemption in the field was immediate. A sharp arm from the deep to remove their dangerous opening bat, literally seconds after he had been given the nickname Mannequin. 

The disconsolate Horse was replaced by Chef who at first seemed to be serving up a tasting menu of light and airy delicacies to the batsmen. After being handed some punishment by Connell, he reverted though to a more Mannequin style: robotic, flightless, strangely sexy. Overall, he bowled with intellect and guile, unaided by a pitch as artificial as his dance moves, yielding 1-17.  

At the other end, Butternut gave way to Kwakka, an over best passed over, before Traash came into the attack. With varying length and an assortment of lines, he would hoover up the tail with a sharp spell that offered something for everyone, including some generous half trackers and some devastating snorters. 4-23 was a handsome return from his 4.1 overs. 

By the time the pizza arrived for tea, it had all added up to a healthy 161 off 27.1 overs.

Unlike Prince Andrew, the aftermath of the pizza was not going to be sweat-free.

from Back L-R GG, Horse, Chef, Greasy, Pob, Trash, Cat, Butters, Mole, Pippin, Spinach, Florentina, Kwakka, Savoy

 The Peckers settled into their armchairs to watch Greasy and Kwakka head out to build our response. An animal known as “extremely friendly and approachable to tourists” was certainly true of this Kwakka, nudging to the keeper in the first over. Greasy would last a little longer but they gave way to the engine room of the Pecker stand – Moley and Pippin.  

Now the party could start, with Pippin lavishing supporters with graceful hitting to all areas of the ground, and Moley’s extravagant footwork and clean striking creating wild cheers from the dugout and gasps from the Pecker support of GG, Florentina and Savoy. Moley was the more expressive of the pair, and he dispatched the soft underbelly of Tichborne to all areas on his way to a faultless 45, before gifting an uncharacteristic chance to the 12yo North who took a fine catch. 

Having not scored a half century since he was little boy, Pippin of the Shire came into his own, his maiden Pecker 50 guiding us to a commanding position. Now a little man, he asserted his position as the pre-eminent Dabell in the Pecker line up, emerging from the slightly longer Merry-shaped shadow he’s been under since he was run out by his brother on debut. At 107-3 and plenty of overs remaining, the game looked all but finished. But the Peckers hadn’t accounted for young Connell.

A delighted Pippin returns

Unfathomably brought in 3rd change with the game nearly gone, Connell bustled in with the pace and swing of a young Lillee. Traas was castled attempting a rather rash drive off his first ball against the paceman (second time in as many weeks), and Spinach likewise lost his stumps. Horse also out cheaply, Pippin was beginning to run out of partners, and with POB MIA seeking a disabled toilet, there was a sudden rush for padding.  

Enter a limping Cat and surging Butternut to the fray. Despite Cat’s trademark pace between the wickets being undermined by his injured paw, he hemmed and hawed the opposition attack with sweeps and drives, whilst Butternut thrusted and parried Connell. The scoreboard resumed its upward trajectory. A chastened (but relieved) POBsy was not required: the Peckers had chased hard and won with 5 overs remaining. 

Arguably the most important part of the day – the return to the Horseshoes for the promised BBQ, in a glorious spring evening in the Hampshire hills. The red wine flowed gracefully from a special magnum from the pub cellar, and the leftover roasties and yorkies from the pub’s lunch service served as canapes.

The full 12 back at the Horseshoes, and Hoover

Greasy produced a firepit and Chef set about his task, showing a ducking and weaving style at the BBQ. A pull here, a gentle tuck there, a solid push: his management of tender steaks shows an all-round skill set oddly absent from his batting.

The Mannequin Chef works his magic with the Bavette

After hours pondering over Pecker nicknames, Horse and GG took charge of preparing the “Woodpecker Salad”: one hopes this is the only time a lightly dressed Butternut has lain on a bed of Spinach with a crushed Avocado looking on. They also presented mashed avocado dip “Kwakka-Moley” – extremely well-seasoned yet a bit of a dishevelled mess.

The delicious Kwakka-Moley

As the sun set over rolling Hampshire fields, in company with this delightful ragtag of Peckers, it was hard not to reflect on a momentous week – a newly crowned monarch and a magical return to Woodpecker cricket in this glorious United Kingdom.

With particular thanks to POBs as ever, Greasy and the Horseshoes, and the Tichborne XI.

It was all too much for Traaash

Ripley

April and its infamous showers had washed out both Ripley and Sanderstead from our salubrious fixture list but had failed to extinguish the cricketing fervour ignited at this year’s wonderful Peckers dinner.

May, however, brought better fortune; drier climes and a bank holiday that kindly offered the perfect opportunity to rearrange this year’s fixture with Ripley. Ripley vs Peckers evokes something within the cricketing Gods, each year a thriller better than the last.

As the Peckers amassed under the pavilion balcony, there was a palpable melange of excitement, anticipation, and trepidation as an eight-month cricketing hiatus was finally to be broken. As Pobsy frogmarched to the square to conduct the toss, goats cheese tarts provided by GK and a hoppy carbonated beverage was self-prescribed by several to numb the nerves and memories of a rather disastrous display in Battersea Park’s nets just days before. One Stella Artois, however, is not nearly enough to quell the anguish caused by being inserted on a damp wicket, made worse by the fact that Merry was still somewhere down the A3.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and Pobsy sent the Cat first into firing line along with the more orthodoxly found Kwakka (Cat told me about a dozen times at nets that he wanted to open. And as his average as an opener was about 40 better than not, the statto inside me had to give it another shot) The pair got underway relatively quickly, with the Cat using a few of his nine lives, being put down twice. As the rain began to fall, so did Kwakka’s wicket, a good ball breaching his defences would be the last action before running for the pavilion.

When the rain abated, and the game recommenced. Mole joined Cat, (words more likely found in a children’s novel than a cricket match report) and the pair settled well. Another downpour caused further delay, leaving the wicket unpredictable and the outfield apathetic. The Pecker of the year was playing with his usual elegance whilst the Cat was looking somewhat more agricultural at the other end. (Cat does himself a disservice as played confidently from the outset)

With the Peckers on 69-1, the Cat missed a straight one, departing for a hard fought 40 and was replaced by the man he had replaced up the order, Merry.

The Cat ‘without the hat’ came back

Merry was soon dislodged and Traash took to the field. The Mole was soon to follow, done by the unpredictable damp wicket on 31. Greasy joined Traash, but he too was quickly given his marching orders.

The cursory Peckers collapse appeared to be underway, but the pair played with aggression, countering the bowlers whose tail appeared to be up. (At this point Cat announced that the Peckers had never won when he’d scored runs) Every Pecker to this point bowled, but Groundskeeper and Traash broke the mould, both going to stunning catches from the keeper and extra cover respectively. The tail wagged, with Pobsy, Spinach and Chef supported an inspired Tiddles, who made 13* as the final 3 wickets went for 28. The Green and Gold contingent of the tail Tiddles and Chef making an 18 run last stand. Bar the early reprieves for Cat, Ripley’s fielding was impeccable and restricted the Peckers to 148.

Heroic Aussie-Pecker tailenders return

Both sides headed for tea with the sense that they were in the ascendency. The first match tea of the season was not up to the usual excellent Ripley standards, an assortment of arid meat and pastry goods, served at fridge temperature for added affliction. The greatest mortification, however, delivered by the chasmic absence of the bastion of the match tea, the ever-dependable sandwich. Further sparkling barley products were enjoyed as a welcome to distraction.

Sun and the Peckers back out, Spinach delivered a stunning first over maiden and set the tone as Tiddles too found his rhythm with apparent ease, striking in his first over. The opening pair looked like they had never been away, frustrating the opposition with frugal spells. The Cat’s long lost feline agility continued to evade him as a one-handed leap in the slips failed to stick and reward Spinach for his efforts. Tiddles’ second left the score reading 30-2 off 14 overs. Drinks came and brought with them the 3rd Ripley wicket at the hand of Traash. A double run out from a riled Greasy and a freshly repositioned GK, followed quickly by a crater creating catch from Cat diving forward in the same over left the Peckers in dreamland (as the ball looped between us I shouted ‘YOURS’ loudly sensing I would come off second best in a collision) ; 55-6 off 23 overs. Things were going uncharacteristically well, and the introduction of Ripley’s overseas Aussie pro and skipper brought about a seismic shift in the landscape of the game. 55 became over 100 in the blink of an eye, or 5 overs in cricketing terms.

Groundskeeper entered the attack, but despite Groundkeeper’s tidy bowling and another wicket, Ripley continued to find runs. Pink launched a Cat delivery skywards, and when the ball fell from the clouds, it was our skipper scurrying beneath it. As his path and the ball’s intersected, there was a dull thud as the ball cannoned off his cranium and over the rope for more valuable Ripley runs. A bullet header Erling Haaland would have been proud of. Despite a nasty red lump springing from his temple, Pobsy, recognising the gravitas of the situation, soldiered on.

Myrtle was delighted to be back at the Peckers

The Peckers needed one moment of brilliance to rule them all, to cast the Ripley counter offensive back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. This moment abandoned the Peckers, but then something happened that fate did not intend. The ball was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable. A hobbit, Merry, of the shire.

Merry, on the boundary with just one stump in his sights, launched the ball with razor sharp precision. Direct hit. The Aussie gun stomped off angrily for a destructive 27, but this felt like the turning point in what had a become a nail-biting duel.

Ripley Skipper Tom Clover kept up the Ripley chase until a noise was heard as the ball passed the bat and sailed into the Moleman’s gloves, sparking ecstasy. Bat and ground? Bat and ball? The tension clearly weighed heavy as Tom ’not in Clover’ decided to lambast the Cat for a vociferous appeal…

Intensity heightened further as an uncharacteristically costly over from GK suddenly left Ripley needing just 8 runs off the final over. With the climax approaching, many in the clubhouse couldn’t bear to watch, many others couldn’t bear not to.

Captain Posby made the bold decision to give the ball to the Cat, who had not been at his best. The Cat dangled the ball short of length outside off stump, forcing the batsmen to run high risk singles. One ball to go and a game of ebb and flow was at its crescendo, a maximum would win it for Ripley, a 4 would see the honours shared. Pobsy’s faith rewarded as the final ball was skewed harmlessly into the leg side for a single. Victory!

Despite making hard work of it, and a spirited comeback from a determined Ripley, the Peckers were just about able to hold on, winning by 3 runs. A glorious, welcomed return to village cricket and another ripper against Ripley to set off the 2023 campaign. A brilliant team effort with joint MOM The Cat for 40, and a great death over, and another Cat Tiddles for a glorious Opening Spell and the most ‘correct’ innings I’ve ever seen from him

Next up, the Hampshire tour at Greasy’s pub for the Coronation weekender. Come reign, rain or shine, Peckers up.

From Back L-R GK Smeagol, Cat, Mole, Chef, Pob, Spinach, Greaser, Trash, Tiddles, Kwakka, Merry